KGWil

WARNING - This story does contain information regarding my own personal 
coming of age, which involves what some would refer to as bondage, also 
includes descriptions of orgasms and masturbation. No sex between any 
people involved. Of course, pants-wetting and diapers are involved.

I guess it's about time I reflected on what has drawn me into diapers / 
wetting. All in all I am a normal child, raised in a normal (for this 
day and age) family. I had plenty of love, we were very blessed as far 
as income goes, and though I wasn't spoiled, I still had pretty much 
everything a kid could want. I am now 19, I am a faithful Christian by 
choice and by truth, and I believe that God does not frown on my 
desires as long as they don't get in the way of my relationship with 
Him. As far as purity goes, I am a virgin and will maintain that until 
I'm married; however, as most males, or I guess all people do, I still 
find myself masturbating. I have worked a lot on that, and I try to 
keep it to a minimum. Whether or not it's a sin depends on how far you 
want to read purity into your life, and I just have to kind of feel 
that one out. As in all things, I believe that the real sin is excess / 
abuse.

Anyhow, enough about my beliefs. On to my life.

The first memory I have of anything related to wetting is when I was 
about 5 years old. I was still a bedwetter, though I was successfully 
day trained at about the normal age. This first account has always 
stuck with me, and I don't quite know why... but I was at my 
babysitters house (who's daughters were about the same age as me, they 
are still good friends of mine) and we had a naptime. Well, of course I 
had my bedwetting problem, and I think my babysitter would have been 
fine had that been all I did... but I woke up and not only had I wet my 
pants, but also I had pooped in them. I of course was quite dismayed, 
but she was more so. I was dragged to the bathroom and stripped naked, 
put in the tub, and cleaned off. I really don't remember how I got back 
in any clothes or anything... but I remember that incident quite well 
in any case.

Well, I never pooped myself in my sleep anytime after that, and only in 
the daytime when I was really, really sick (that can happen to anyone), 
and I think once in the bathtub (6 or 7 maybe?). But I did often have 
"skid marks" in my undies... a common trait I shared with my cousin (M) 
who was about 2 years younger than me. I used to stay over at his house 
a lot, and I noticed it. He often times smelled like it too (of course 
I'm sure I did as well, but you never notice your own smells).
Anyways, my first memory with a diaper was at my cousin's house, I was 
probably 7 or 8 and he was maybe 5 or 6. His mom had been doing some 
babysitting and there were some old-school Pampers in the laundry room. 
We begged her for one and she finally said yes... I'm sure in hindsight 
she wondered what the hell we wanted with a diaper,' but nonetheless we 
took it. It was a pretty small diaper, and I remember him putting it 
on, and then me trying to put it on, smelling it (and loving the 
aroma), and that's about it. I know we didn't use it, but I'm not sure 
what he did with it...

My cousin and I played together a lot...My mom would keep him for my 
aunt, or my aunt would keep me for my mom...etc. The basic family kid 
trade. Well, we were wacko kids when together, and though I never 
really associated anything sexual with it until later in life, we 
always wanted to see who was the strongest, or who could tie the best 
knots, etc. We were like brothers, really. So you can see where that 
led. We played tie-up games a lot and this came with tickling, stuffing 
socks and undies in each others mouth, sitting on the person and 
farting... stupid things like that. Of course, I always desired to be 
the victim, and I really wanted to not be able to get out. I think that 
looking back I really, really wanted someone to tie me up and tickle me 
until I wet my pants. A lot of times when I was all tied up and gagged, 
I would say "I really need to pee" or something of the sort, muffled 
through the sock.. Sometimes he would say "too bad" or "go in your 
pants" or just merely start tickling me. I regret never having the guts 
just to start going in my pants, or to really tie him up good and 
actually make him go (I desired more to have him escape so it was "my 
turn"). Also, fear of parental discipline was a big factor, and we 
didn't want our tie-up escapades to be stopped. The last time I 
remember doing this was at my house at the time. I'm guessing I was 
about 12 and this time my cousin decided to tape me together...or 
rather mummify me in tape. Right about the time he got done, I heard 
the door close meaning that our parents who had been out shopping were 
home. I used all my strength to break my arms free from the tape and I 
hid in the closet. My aunt found me first and just laughed. My mom gave 
me this look I'll never forget like "this is not acceptable." I'm sure 
she read something deeper into it as she is somewhat homophobic; she 
probably saw it as a kinky / gay sort of thing, though I still think 
its just kids learning and playing (I'm not gay btw, in case you had 
the wrong idea). But she had good reason to be upset whereas I just 
didn't understand... This was before I gave my life to Christ, so I had 
no real motivation from a moral standpoint, and though I was probably 
"feeling" the sexual relation there, it didn't register in my brain as 
I had never really been educated in that department.

I don't really know how to mesh my personal wetting and diaper 
fantasies together... I'll try to correlate these events as best I can, 
but if it sometimes seems like I'm flashing back or I'm out of place, 
please forgive me. Heh.

I think the first time I remember having an experience that spawned a 
fantasy about wetting was when I was at my cousin's house. I was again 
probably about 12. He was talking about how he "jizzed" in his pants, I 
asked him what that was, he said "when you pee your pants a little." 
Well of course I thought this was an open door to giving it a try 
without anyone making fun of me. (looking back, I'm thinking he must 
have picked that up from his older brother who didn't want to explain 
it to his pre pubescent little bro and just said that it was "like 
peeing" or something of the sort). Anyhow, it must have been hours 
later or maybe even the next day or something, but we were jumping on 
his trampoline and I decided this would be the perfect opportunity. I 
did a few jumps and sit down falls and whatnot and each time squirted 
out a little bit of pee. It wasn't much, and of course I couldn't 
justify a pants wetting, but it was probably a quarter sized wet spot 
on my jean shorts and quite a bit more in my undies. I told my cousin 
then "I think I jizzed myself" and he just looks at me and says "what?" 
I say "I just wet my pants a little." He just kind of gave me a weird 
look and laughed at me a little and said "Oh." To this day I wonder if 
I could have justified wetting myself... I was a kid, I was playing too 
hard on the trampoline, I didn't realize it, etc. My aunt probably 
would have shrugged it off, don't know about my mom. My cousin would 
have made fun of me for a little while and forgotten it. I wish I would 
have.

I wet the bed until I was about 11. I always had a plastic sheet on my 
bed, and I hardly ever had anyone over to spend the night. I guess I 
thought it was somewhat normal. Usually I got up in the middle of the 
night and got my parents up. They always thought it was a nuisance I 
could tell, but they got up and changed my sheets nonetheless. I think 
they thought I was lazy, but I know it was real accidents. I remember 
it never happened at others houses, and I was always scared to death 
that it would happen at church camp or school sleepovers. But, it never 
did. I guess I was lucky or else there was something subconscious. 
Either way, when I was finally dry at night the plastic sheet came off, 
and I didn't really pee in the bed again accidentally after that except 
once recently. However, the idea of it at the same time that I hit 
puberty is what set me off in my desires for wetting and eventually 
diapers.

I was 12, almost 13 (I think most of this other stuff had already 
happened), when I had my first wet dream. But we hadn't had any sex ed 
yet (it came real soon, but a bit too late), and I was never really 
told about that stuff, so when I had my first wet dream (and subsequent 
ones) I thought that in some weird way I was wetting the bed. Of course 
I didn't want mom knowing about it, so I just hid the undies and hoped 
she never found out. One dream in particular, which has probably 
created some weird psychological / sexual link, I dreamed that I had to 
go really bad, and that I was trying to find a bathroom but I couldn't, 
and in the dream I screamed "I'm gonna pee my pants" and that's when I 
orgasmed and I woke up mid orgasm and I couldn't stop it of course... 
After that point, even when I learned about what was happening, I 
always got turned on thinking about wetting the bed, wetting my pants, 
having to go, tied tickled helplessness that led to wet pants, that 
trampoline incident.... you name it, that's what got me turned on.

One time in the midst of all this, I got up one morning before school 
and got into the shower and had forgotten to take my undies off. My mom 
found them of course and asked why they were wet, and I just truthfully 
said "I forgot to take them off and got in the shower." She just said 
"oh, I've done that before" and went on her way. So of course, this 
spawned many ideas for me concerning hiding peed clothes with the fact 
that my clothes were wet anyways. Many times after this, I would find 
sneaky ways to have my "underwear pees" where I would go into the 
shower (before I was going to take a shower) and watch myself in the 
mirror as I soaked my briefs. Then I would just turn on the shower and 
soak the briefs anyways. I think mom may have been able to detect my 
pee or that I was lying, but she never said anything really. There were 
a few pair of underwear that I hid behind towels in the cabinet that 
one day would be mysteriously gone... I don't know if she ever thought 
anything of it or not. If so she has never said a word. This also got 
me thinking about bathing suits and how they would handle pee. Whenever 
I had one on and was actually playing with water or in a pool or 
whatever, or like at camp when I would wear a bathing suit to shower, I 
always just pee in it. In fact I still do, and I'm sure a lot of people 
do. Since then I have gotten a tad more daring, sometimes wetting it 
while its dry right before my first jump into a pool or the lake or 
whatever. I doubt if anyone has ever noticed. I remember vaguely a few 
incidents where I wet myself on purpose outside of our house when mom 
wasn't home. I think once the neighbors saw, but who knows.

At this point, I had already started building computers a little here 
and there, and what I had was "mine" per se, so my parents generally 
didn't pry in what I did on the internet and stuff. So that's when I 
started searching for wet pants and bedwetting... generally I looked 
for help and for stories. That's when I remember coming across a few 
stories or sites that talked about diapers. I remember one story in 
particular that really made me recall that childhood memory at the 
babysitters, and added a new fetish into my lineup of turn ons. The 
story talked about a 15 year old girls "true account" (I think this may 
have been posted at "the toilet" message boards) of all of a sudden 
starting to wet her bed again, and then poop her bed, and her dad 
forced her into diapers as a lesson. Boy did that ever do it. I was 
naive but at least I knew that my dick was rock solid and that meant 
"sexual." I'm sure it was augmented by the fact that it was a girl in 
the story, even though I've never really been turned on by "erotic" or 
porn material (something which I had to struggle with...I know I'm 
straight because I'm aroused around women when I'm around them, and by 
particular women, but never by a man unless it solely involves wetting 
or diapers, which is what causes the stimulation, not the actual man.) 
my point being that I'm turned on by wetting, and now diapers, but then 
the girl is in that situation... had I known what masturbation was at 
the time I would have exploded.

We moved again, giving me my own basement, when I was about 13 almost 
14. So now, I've got a little array of these things that really, really 
turn me on. It really was a matter of time before I discovered 
masturbation. I remember that after reading about the diapers I would 
use towels, toilet paper...whatever I could find and try to make myself 
diapers, supported by swim trunks or briefs... It never really worked, 
but I never really wet my pants... which meant that I had control. I 
didn't want to... I wanted to wet uncontrollably. I tried getting 
myself really, really desperate and then jumping real hard on my bed, 
or falling, trying to lift something heavy... nothing really worked, my 
mind just couldn't let go. Doing it in the shower just wasn't enough. 
Well, One day, I had a hard on and I found that taking my swimsuit and 
rubbing it made me feel like I really had to go. So I did that. And I 
did it faster. And harder. And eventually I remember thinking to myself 
"I'm doing it, I'm really gonna pee my pants unstoppably" and then I 
came. Of course I was hooked, and double of course I didn't know what 
the hell I was doing. I finally figured it out on my own about 3 months 
later when I started reading stories about other peoples diaper 
experiences.

Well, I continued to get more daring, and in the meantime was given a 
few strokes of luck. One of those was when my mom one day got a maxi 
pad sample in the mail. I figured that was probably the next most 
absorbent thing to a diaper, since I got the mail and she didn't even 
have to see it, I took it and hid it. Later on (probably a week or 
more) I had the opportunity to use it. Oh I peed in it all right. It 
sure didn't hold as much as I thought it would though and ended up 
leaking out onto my pants and bed. I thought I was had. But then again, 
it really didn't soak in much, and I just covered it up and didn't draw 
attention to my bed, especially since I did my own laundry (of course 
for good reason). I don't think it smelled much but it just dried on 
there. I did my laundry sometime later that week.

My next stroke of luck was when I was about 14 almost 15 my mom got 
some sort of surgery done (that's not the lucky part, I know she was in 
pain) that caused her to leak some fluid, and to prevent her from 
getting it on the furniture and whatnot she had to get some adult 
diapers to wear. Well I was already trying to come up with some way to 
get my hands on them, but I never knew where they really were and I 
respected my mother enough not to go rummaging through her stuff. Well 
one day when I was taking the trash out (this was quite some months 
later) I found them in the trash can. The whole unused stash. I thought 
I would go ballistic. I took them inside and hid them in my room and 
began using them every chance I had. I remember still the first time I 
got to pee in a diaper since I was a little kid. I went into my 
bathroom and locked the door, watched in the mirror with a big grin of 
disbelief on my face as I, surprisingly easily, let it all go flooding 
into the diaper. I loved it, even when it started leaking a bit right 
onto the bathroom floor, I didn't care.

I was careful with how I used those. They certainly did not last a 
year, but i remember when I did turn 16...One of my first ventures out 
to buy more diapers I chickened out...but on my second time around I 
went to a store that was out of the way, at a really odd time, and got 
them quick and left. I went with Walgreen's brand overnight diapers.... 
and they were, to my surprise, plastic coated. This made my pleasure 
even more so because I knew that "real" diapers weren't that clothy 
stuff...it was the plastic coated ones. Sometime in the midst of this I 
made some special ops missions to the store to buy some of the stuff I 
had read about in people's stories; probably all happened not too long 
after I turned 16... I bought a pacifier, some bottles, baby powder, 
baby oil, and wipes in some number of trips. I found a babyish looking 
red, short striped shirt in my mom's box of "throw away clothes," and 
found myself playing baby a lot during that time, but it just really 
wasn't for me. I got kind of used to the pacifier but never could bring 
myself to use it at night. One time, when we were getting ready to sell 
that house, my mom was cleaning stuff up and I had hidden the pacifier 
under some clothes. She picked up a stack of towels or something, and 
the paci fell out on the floor. She asked me if I knew where it came 
from, and I made a desperate lie that I had no idea, and she assumed it 
was from someone that we showed the house to. I was more afraid of 
having to tell her everything if I said it was mine because her first 
thought probably would have been that I was on ecstasy or something 
(which I never have, never will). I eventually threw all that stuff 
away for ultimate fear of it being found when we moved.

I also experimented with baby diapers, but I'm a big guy and not much 
would ever fit me. I can stretch Goodnites XL to fit me BARELY. 
However, I did enjoy lining my adult diapers and my undies with a 
pampers size 6, and I can't get enough of the smell. I still line my 
undies when I'm at home to this day. I also got some of the new Pampers 
Easy-Ups recently to see what they hold (not much) and I especially 
noticed the pampers smell in them...stronger than the diapers I think. 
Anyways, that's about all I do now because I'm in college and I don't 
really care for my roommates thinking I'm some weirdo. But I would like 
to wear diapers just because I'm a lazy ass. If they made toddler style 
training pants in a size i could wear, I would be in heaven... there's 
something about that stage...like you are supposed to be gaining 
control but the training pants just remind you that you are still 
diapered... you can't be trusted to not have an accident. It's a 
complete turn on.

Touching again on bedwetting... as I mentioned before, I didn't wet the 
bed on accident after about age 11, but what inspired me to go ahead 
and write all my experiences was a recent, unexpected accident I had: 
It was a "bathroom dream," the kind I wanted to have when I was 
purposely wetting the bed (keep reading), and I woke up starting to 
pee, but I was able to get up and hobble to the bathroom before any got 
on the bed, however, my PJ bottoms were soaked by the time I got to the 
toilet, and I just sat down and finished with them on. Luckily my mom 
had gone to the store, I don't know what she would have said, but she 
sure would have noticed. I am hoping that this doesn't happen to me at 
school, but then again, deep down inside I am happier that it was more 
of an accident. I couldn't help but jack off to my own little 
regression. Yet regardless of the current feelings I have, I did pee 
the bed on purpose for a while when I was 16-17 in a half hearted 
effort to justify my buying / wearing diapers. The plastic sheet 
returned at dads house, while at home I found myself confronted with an 
unconcealed baby "crib pad." This was somewhat mixed feelings for me, 
as it was more babyish and still obvious, there's really nothing more 
"shameful" than having another person discover your plastic mattress 
cover. I did my best to make my accidents seem as childish as possible, 
but forcing myself to be upset though I was really happy was hard. My 
mom made me go to the doctor, and as a result of my efforts I had to 
get my first ever blood test, which sort of shaded my happiness for a 
bit. I had to lie to my physician, and also was prescribed overactive 
bladder and bedwetting medicine. To my disappointment, the doctor never 
even mentioned diapers, and when I mentioned other "protection" to my 
mom, she just basically told me that "I didn't want that." I guess she 
didn't understand that by my asking, it meant that I did. Either way, I 
acted like the medicine worked, phased out my bedwetting, and blamed it 
on the stress of school. I decided that I wasn't going to get what I 
wanted, and if I did it would probably make life harder for me anyways, 
especially at up and coming college.

During all these years, I have wet myself many times on purpose, in 
diapers, etc. I have wet way more than most kids would anyhow. But 
those accounts are boring, and planned, and if I do tell them, it will 
be another day. I will conclude this with 2 accounts of my only genuine 
pants wettings since I considered myself "beyond" accident age.

The first I believe I was 15. I was messing around with my computers, 
and I think I was putting one together for a neighbor, but I was 
messing around with an old AT style case with the pushbutton power 
switch that had 4 wire leads to connect it to the power supply. Well, I 
had to go to the bathroom anyhow, and was somewhat fidgety, and that 
usually causes me to be a little bit reckless or inattentive...I had 
been careful up to that point, but this time I forgot to unplug the 
power supply from the surge protector and sort of wasn't thinking about 
those power switch wires being "live." Well, I just reached up my pair 
of pliers and pulled one of those wire leads off, and I remember 
hearing the pop of the surge protector as a bit of electricity ran 
through my body. It was enough to lay me out on the floor and make me 
shake for a few seconds...and it of course was enough to make me wet my 
pants. It took me about 5 or 8 seconds to regain control of myself and 
assess what had happened. The first thing I did was stop my pee and get 
up to look at the surge protector. Fried. The lead that I had pulled 
off had also soldered itself to the side of the case. Then I inspected 
my personal damage and found that my jeans had a nice big wet patch on 
them...very noticeable. I ran off to the bathroom and finished peeing, 
and then abruptly changed clothes. I fantasize about someone catching 
me and thinking that I should be punished for wetting my pants, but 
unfortunately at the time I was just more concerned that I didn't do 
any permanent damage to myself and namely the computer, and I really 
didn't want to have to explain to mom that I almost electrocuted 
myself.

The second time was when I was 16. I was driving home from our lake 
home and I hit a lot of traffic from the holiday folks heading home. I 
had had a cup of coffee and then downed about half of a super size DP 
from McDonalds when I ran into the traffic and knew I might be in 
trouble. This particular stretch of road is in between towns, and 
though my home wasn't far, the only turn offs in between were 
neighborhoods, and that's the last thing I needed...to be running 
around doing a pee dance around a bunch of people's houses. Well, there 
was much contemplating in my head as I became more and more urgent to 
go... but long story short, eventually I had to grab a t-shirt from my 
bag in the back seat, stick it under my but, and let it come as it 
needed. I tried to do it in little bits so I wouldn't get my seat wet 
or soak all the way through. It worked relatively well, though it did 
augment the wetness on my shorts. When I finally got home, I was pretty 
relaxed until I realized that my mom and her boyfriend were both home. 
I didn't know what to do. I decided to let my shirt hang way down, 
carry my bag low behind me, and make a mad dash for my room. I did, and 
managed to pull off my soiled pants and undies and put on just a pair 
of athletic knit shorts about 5 seconds before my mom just walked into 
my room asking me how my trip was. I was relieved to say the least, but 
after that was extremely turned on at my own "almost caught" situation.

Well, that's all I've got for now, maybe someday I'll be able to add 
more to this, but so far this is my experience. I want to say again 
that, through all of this, deciding what is pure and what is sinful has 
been a daily struggle. If you have trouble with that, feel free to 
email me and we can chat. This is still a relatively secret part of my 
life...one of my friends knows some of it, and of course, God knows it 
all. I hope that someday I will have a loving wife who will share or at 
least humor me in my desires, and then maybe I won't have to feel quite 
so guilty as I do sometimes. In any case, it has been thrilling and 
fun, though maybe not always right... but I know I am loved and I am 
forgiven. Thanks also to Deeker for providing this page...it has been a 
good site to come to and relax and read.

Wishfully wet,
KGWil