Greetings from The Nasty Blind Aspie.  This document is basically a life history of me, a DL.  You are likely familiar with the concept of AB/DL, but this document was written with the assumption of complete ignorance on the reader's part.  I originally gave this document to a best friend, then to my counselor.  At the end of the document I have listed several resources that might help you understand and will answer some of your questions.

 

The "problem" (I would NOT call it that) I have goes back to my earliest childhood routes.  It is what some would classify as a mental disorder that is quite rare.  It falls under the general classification of paraphilic infantilism.  Infantilism features several classifications.  Adult babies are people who enjoy wearing (and possibly using) diapers, drinking from bottles, wearing baby clothes made in adult sizes, and otherwise acting like babies.  Roll playing is common in ABs.

 

 There are also sissy babies, usually males who enjoy dressing like baby girls in frilly lacy clothes and the like.  Adult toddlers are people who wear diapers and may dress in childish clothes, but prefer to take on the role of toddlers or young children.  These people often wear diapers for emotional fulfillment as opposed to sexual gratification, although this is merely a generalization.  As I'm sure you are aware, every person is different, and no generalization will perfectly fit any given person.  The third major category is the diaper lover, DL for short. 

 

This person may engage in baby play, but mainly wears diapers for sexual gratification or satisfaction, and convenience also plays a large role.  They are generally not as much into roll playing as ABs.  For more information, please see the websites at the bottom of this document.  None of these things has anything to do with pedophilia, contrary to popular beliefs.  Unlike pedophiles, ABs wants to be children themselves rather than have sex with them.  The AB/DL code subscribed to by the community abhors pedophilic behavior, and DOES NOT condone it.  Now that I've made that point clear, I am a DL or diaper lover.  I do not have any interest in baby play, but I do enjoy wearing, and especially wetting, diapers for sexual gratification and satisfaction.  I will start by telling you my whole story, leaving NOTHING unsaid.  I am what is known as a pure fetishist.  Anyway, back to my life story.

 

  My first and earliest memories involve wearing and using diapers.  I can remember lying in bed and feeling the pleasurable sensations as I used my diapers for their intended purpose.  I won't go into gritty details, but let's just say they are pleasurable memories, memories that are still as vivid as memories of yesterday.  I can still feel the sensations and hear certain sounds that still stick with me.  I was NOT an easy potty trainer.  When my mother first introduced me to the toilet, I was afraid of it.  Eventually she cleaned it out and let me play in it as if it was a little bathtub, which cured my fear.  I still didn't want to use it.

 

 I was turning three and still had no interest in using the potty.  They tried to no avail to entice, force and encourage me to be a "big boy," but I didn't do anything.  It took a while, but eventually I was potty trained.  I vividly remember some frustrating and humiliating experiences from that period.  (Disposable training pants like Pull-Ups had not yet been invented, so it was quite frustrating for my mother, who had lots of extra laundry to do thanks to my daily accidents.) Although I was eventually potty trained, I wet the bed almost EVERY day until I was diagnosed with diabetes insipidus when I was eight.

 

 This condition involves the regulation of liquids within the body.  If I don't have my medicine I will always be thirsty and dehydrated, so I drink copious amounts of fluid, but it goes right through me.  In five or ten minutes I'm doing a major pee dance.  I probably had such a hard time potty training because I'd get thirsty and drink the house dry, then I couldn't get to the toilet in time so I'd soak my pants.  I remember well the scoldings and frustration of my pour parents after things like this happened.  They did not have any idea I had this condition, so it's not like it was their fault for not knowing.  Anyway, after the ordeal of potty training came the humiliation of being a chronic bed wetter.  I woke up soaking wet nearly every morning, and sometimes in the middle of the night.  My parents tried EVERYTHING they could think of, from rewards to punishments.  They gave me rewards for the occasional dry night.  A time or two they even threatened to put me in diapers. 

 

Although they never did, I actually fantasized that I could wear diapers at night, though I would NEVER have brought it up to my parents for fear of getting in even more trouble for wanting to be a baby.  (They already thought I acted like one as it is.  I was rather immature for my age, especially emotionally, which resulted in constant criticism from teachers and especially my parents.)  I never knew how I would wake up at night.  I would often deprive myself of liquids and let myself get dehydrated so I wouldn't wet the bed, but usually it didn't work.  Occasionally I would wake up refreshingly dry.  Sometimes I'd wake up slightly damp, and I could usually hide my pajamas and underwear in the hamper, hoping my mother wouldn't notice.  However, I would usually wake up with myself and the sheets completely soaked.

 

 There were some other interesting aspects of my life that, while they may not be connected to this issue, may be interesting.  When I was a little kid, I was just as happy playing with the dolls and girl toys as I was playing with trucks and boy toys.  In Kindergarten, I actually spent most of my time with the girls playing house, cash register and other "girlish" things like that.  After my parents and teachers had a discussion about it, I was encouraged to play with the boys, which I did not particularly like.  However, society's indoctrination finally got the better of me in the end.

 

Anyway, when I was a young kid I also used to like dolls, especially the kind that had a tube leading from their mouths to between their legs.  When liquid was introduced into the mouth of the doll, it would pass through the tube and exit the hole.  The doll was supposed to have a diaper on.  I think this is why I liked them so much.  I used to like to make them wet theirs.  Once, when I was six or seven, I stuck a thin cooking funnel into the doll's mouth and peed in it, which then soaked the diaper it had on.  I washed it out, and no one ever knew.  By the time I was eight these behaviors had been stamped out of me by society. 

 

As time got on, I still thought about diapers.  Nothing ever came of my fantasies until the summer of 1995.  Late that August, my sister went to a party and came home with a disposable baby diaper for one of her dolls.  It was a larger size, because Lauren's friend had a two-year-old sister.  It sat there on the shelf for a few days.  When I figured she wouldn't miss it, I took it and hid it in my backpack.  Late that night, when everyone was asleep, I drank as much as I could hold, went into my room and shut the door quietly.  I waited until I really had to pee.  Then I took off my pants and underwear and did what I'd longed to do since I could remember.  What I did that night changed my life.  I will never forget it for as long as I live.  I sat on the back and brought the front up between my legs. 

 

It was obviously far too small for me, but it covered enough area to be useful.  I settled back, relaxed and let go.  Although it was harder than I'd thought, I eventually started peeing and didn't stop until the diaper was soaked from front to back.  I won't go into the details of all the sensations and sounds because you probably are not interested, but it was absolutely exhilarating! I LOVED it! When it was soaked, I examined it with the care of an archeologist examining an undiscovered dinosaur bone.  Anyway, I loved it and wanted to do it again. 

 

Luckily, my sister had just entered into a doll obsession.  She had dolls that did everything you can imagine, and she wanted all the real things, including real clothes, bottles and diapers.  I remember being secretly elated when she bought them.  For some reason she got the large toddler version, even though the dolls were as small as, if not smaller than newborns.  Anyway, eventually I would grab one of them every few days when I knew she wouldn't notice, and then I'd use it in one way or another.  I loved experimenting with them, and I encountered some very interesting and pleasurable sensations while doing this.  Some things I loved to do, some not so much. 

 

One time my aunt came over with my eldest cousin for the day.  (She is severely brain damaged and has the mental state of an infant, although she is physically a woman.)  She left late that evening.  Late that night I came down looking for a midnight snack.  What I found were two of my cousin's youth diapers that my aunt had left sitting on the bench.  Although the small diapers didn't fit me, I knew these probably would.  I took them while I could.  I first drank several large glasses of water, and then snuck the two diapers up to my room.  Eventually I had to pee.  I once again sat on the back and repeated the procedure.  Although it was a bit tight, it did fit.  I wet it three times before I had to let it go.  For the second one, I made some plans.  I wanted to see if a diaper really would keep me dry at night.  The next night I didn't take my medicine.  I chugged lots of liquids before bed, put my PJs on with the diaper underneath, and hopped into bed. 

 

When I woke up, I noticed that the diaper had been flooded overnight.  I was right.  It was soaked and cool, but it had done its job.  Since I had to go as I always do, I wet it once more before removing it.  As I grew older, the diaper dreams and desires continued to plague me.  The best way to calm down and get to sleep was, and still is, to either relive my experiences or make up new ones.  I have some favorites.  There are several fantasies that produce instant results and others that just make me feel relaxed or happy.  Anyway, eventually this whole thing became somehow associated with sexual pleasure.  In 1998, I started going through puberty, which is when this whole thing began. 

 

This is also when I started experiencing wet dreams, which were embarrassing.  I felt like I was, once again, wetting the bed, and, though I am well aware that this is a normal part of male puberty, I was quite embarrassed.  At this time my mother still did my laundry, and I lived in fear that she would discover the stains in my underwear and scold me for making a mess or wetting the bed.  Once again, I had a lack of security.  Most of the wet dreams also involved diapers, especially females in diapers.  Eventually they all but ceased, but those thoughts and desires still persisted.  Around 1999 they rather subsided.  Although they sometimes go into the background, they are always there.  For a few years, I had a relatively peaceful period.  Although I occasionally thought about diapers, I really wasn't too preoccupied with them, at least not enough to try to get any.  That all changed on the day after Easter 2004.

 

We had been baby-sitting Jacob and Ashley.  Jacob was two and Ashley was one, and they obviously wore diapers.  Although I knew that I was yet again in the proximity of diapers, it never occurred to me that I might be able to take and use them as I had done before.  On that day, I found a small plastic bag with one of each of their diapers in it.  I was cleaning the kitchen counter, and it was sitting right there.  Almost immediately, the whole thing came crashing back to life with a vengeance.  I NEEDED to take those and use them.  It was an obsession.  I literally could not get them out of my mind.

 

 Here I was, a senior in high school, and I wanted to pee in diapers just like a dang baby.  Not only that, I had to steal them, which is something I do not like to do.  I felt so ashamed and angry, not to mention guilty for stealing.  What if my parents ever found out? Anyway, after a few days it was still sitting there, so I hid it to see if anyone would notice.  After two days they hadn't noticed, so I took it.  How was I going to get away with this? I eventually figured out a way.  I sat in the bathtub while using them, because since I was larger I knew they'd leak.  They did, but it was still fun. 

 

This eventually got boring.  I got some great high-quality recordings, most of which I had to record lectures over, that I loved to listen to.  I snuck and used a few of them over the four months preceding my first semester at college.  I was quite careful, and I do not think I was found out, though to this day I wonder.  Anyway, eventually Ashley moved away and Jacob was finally potty trained, which limited my options.  Although I did resist the temptation to steal on many occasions, (I do hope to have SOME sort of morality.)  I did relent on several occasions, for which I still bare the guilt.  I still wanted to experience those sensations again, but I had no means of doing so.  I thought carefully about various options once I was at college, but I eventually dismissed them one by one for many reasons.  Though it took some time, I eventually did figure out a possible way. 

 

As I mentioned earlier, my cousin is brain damaged, and needs to wear diapers.  The university I attend is within reasonable driving distance of her house.  My grandparents, who also reside in this area, often go over for lunch or to visit the kids, and I would sometimes hitch a ride to see my aunt and uncle and their two "normal" boys, who are six and eight.  There were a few occasions when I was able to sneak around in hopes of finding the location of my cousin's diapers.  It took me nine months, but I did find it.  I was at my youngest cousin's Holy Communion celebration with my grandparents and other friends and relatives.  The kids were all playing in the basement and the adults were chatting, so I slipped off under the pretense of having to go to the bathroom.  I wandered carefully into my cousin's room, and walked around to the far side of her bed, which I had not had the chance to explore.  There was a rather large wooden nightstand with shelves, drawers, and cabinets in it.  I was fascinated by what lay on top.  Among shoes, folded blankets and other things, I saw a box that said "Huggies" in large, tactile letters.

 

 I looked inside, and discovered large, thicker than normal baby wipes.  My heart began to race.  I quickly shut the box and silently opened up each cabinet and drawer.  In the largest cabinet were three high stacks of thick, folded disposable adult diapers.  This was one of the few times in my life I was completely stunned and filled with an almost religious awe.  I had discovered a literal treasure trove.  However, much to my dismay, I hadn't brought anything to hide them in.  All I had was a plastic bag containing Matthew's presents, and that would not work.  That was on Saturday, April 30, 2005.  I often went over on Sundays, so I figured that I'd just find some reason to bring my backpack on Sunday and take a couple. 

 

We left the house shortly thereafter.  I was in a semi-dream kind of state, just imagining the possibilities.  Of course, I was a bundle of nerves.  What would I do if I were caught? Anyway, I slept little that night.  I called my grandmother on Sunday morning to see if she was going over, but she was busy, so we couldn't.  I spent the rest of the day nervously pacing my small dorm room.  (I have a single, so it is smaller than the average) I couldn't eat, and couldn't do anything.  I tried to study and get work done, but I was too scared and excited. 

 

This was the Sunday before Finals Week, which was in early May of 2005.  Anyway, we made arrangements to go there Monday for lunch.  The next night was horrible.  I couldn't sleep, and when I did I had nightmares about being caught, and then my parents would find out...  Finally, Monday May 2 dawned.  I had a final (Language Studies or English 220 to be exact) at ten AM, so I wolfed down a breakfast I really wasn't hungry for and strode into the testing room at Learning Services.  I can remember pretty much whatever I need to, so I generally have no problems with tests.  Today was different.  My mind was blank as a fresh piece in later 2004; I began regularly wetting the bed, again. 

 

Although I had maybe one episode a year since 1994, I really didn't experience any form of enuresis until May or June of 2004.  Although it was only occasional at first, it gradually grew into a nearly nightly thing, often involving one or more heavy wettings per night.  I tried EVERYTHING I could think of, including baby diapers, without telling my parents.  I did not tell them, because I was too embarrassed and afraid of their rejection.  I started college in August 2004, and dealing with it became another problem I had to deal with, not to mention adapting to the college.  I lived with it for months.  I slept on the floor to save my bed, although I had some problems with smelly blankets.  Eventually I told my parents, which confirmed their suspicions.  (Unfortunately, parents are far more observant than their children realize.)  She suggested incontinence pads, which I did not like.  Despite my mild protests, she did end up buying them, even though I was in the store. 

 

Unfortunately they did not do the job, so she purchased Depends pull-on diapers, also in my presence.  Although this gave me a great opportunity to have legitimate access to diapers in my parents' house for the first time in my life, I was still ashamed.  In the meantime, she helped me make an appointment with a urologist.  Over the next six months, the urologist put me on several different medications, and we eventually found something that lessened the frequency of bedwetting to once or twice a month.  Unfortunately, it is still a problem, but it is not nearly as bad as it was. 

 

Here's where I tell you why I'm going on this tangent.  I first began using Jacob's diapers in late April 2004.  My bedwetting began in May 2004.  I have gone an entire day without drinking, only to wake up soaked.  I have taken seven DDAVP tablets, only to wake up soaked.  I have not taken my sleep medication, only to wake up soaked.  Despite the fact that medication largely cured my bedwetting, something tells me this is psychological rather than physical.  I'm no doctor, so I could be wrong, but there's a little arrow in my head that points to my love of diapers. 

 

How it is connected I do not know, but I think it might be.  I wanted to wear diapers until the problem abated, but I couldn't do (and still can't) anything my parents could find out about, because to have them find out about my DL fetish would be to commit suicide and, to be frankly and bluntly honest, it probably would lead to suicide.  I really do hate to say that, but the truth is they're not accepting and would probably lock me up for life or something.  They may put me in a nursery or something, just to mock me.  I have no idea what they'd do.  If they follow through on their attitude, I would find that to be my only recourse.  SOMETHING has to give eventually!

 

When I was young, I thought I was probably the only person like me.  I couldn't imagine why anyone would be crazy like me.  Eventually, I came to realize that, out of almost six and a half billion people on this planet, the odds are there MUST be people like me.  It wasn't until August 2005 that I learned that I was right.  I was looking for sights about diapers on the net one day, when I accidentally found a website devoted to infantilism, and I stayed up for the next two nights clicking on link after link after link, reading articles, personal stories and "Diaper Fiction," which consists of stories devoted to people who wear diapers and/or live out their infantilistic fantasies.

 

 I was absolutely flabbergasted to learn of the staggering (at least from my perspective) number of people like me.  When I went back to college for my sophomore year, I looked up even more information.  I now know more about AB/DL topics than I ever thought possible.  Frankly, I know amore about those areas than the vast majority of professional psychologists and psychiatrists.  I used to be ashamed of myself, thinking that my "weird" needs were somehow unacceptable, or even sinful.  Though I have largely come to terms with myself, and am no longer so ashamed of myself, I still don't want to tell anyone for fear of rejection.  I have found this to be a common problem among those within the AB/DL spectrum.

 

 

 Although the desire to use them is intermittent, the dreams and thoughts are always there, waiting for me to even come close to thinking of them.  I can, of course, control these thoughts, but sometimes I don't want to.  If I need to calm down and relax or something this is how I do it.  This is not normal.  It may be healthy if dealt with properly, according to some books.  This is not so much a disruption to my life as an aspect that I can't reveal which causes many problems.  I believe it also contributes to the dysthymia and higher stress levels that I have been experiencing throughout my life.

 

Hiding such a huge part of me from a rejecting and hateful public is hard, in more ways than one.  It's something I've tried to stop, but it has never worked in the past.  Frankly, I don't really want to stop it, because it is such an integral part of my persona, although no one would know it.  It is such a strong drive and emotional need and it is so deep-seated that I literally cannot picture myself without it. 

 

It's ALWAYS there, that well of pleasure and experience.  Most guys are turned on by things like big boobs or small butts.  (No offense to females here.) Not me...  I have had little sex drive over the years, but the only surefire way to activate it is to relive the experience.  Will I be able to have a normal sex life? Will any woman be able to accept me, even if she does not want to participate in my fetish? I don't know whether I can engage in sexual relations without diapers involved, because I have NEVER engaged in sexual relations. 

 

When I think of the nicest and sexiest woman alive, nothing happens, but when I think of her standing in front of me wearing and especially wetting a diaper, I explode.  What if I can't get aroused without involving diapers? When I was around my girlfriends, I seldom experienced sexual feelings, which may or may not be normal.  Any sexual feelings were mild and not what your average young man would likely experience. 

 

Though the speculation of several endocrinologists has lead some to believe this virtual lack of "normal" sex drive is a result of low testosterone, I know better.  I love kissing and things like that, but I had NO interest in sex.  Is this a personal thing, or is it a result of my fetish? All of the infantilists and diaper lovers I've read about say one should reveal this to ones girlfriend WELL BEFORE marriage.  How do I tell her, or ANYONE? There are people I would like to tell, friends who I think should know.  I'm lying to myself and to them by denying my feelings, but the social system is such that any revelation could and probably would lead to social isolation. 

 

What if I told them and they all walked away or hated me? How could I tell them, anyway? I mean, I couldn't and wouldn't have the nerve to just say, "You know, there's something about peeing in diapers that REALLY turns me on!" How do I manage these desires? Should I try to eliminate them, and if so how do I do it? Should I allow them in moderation, and if so how? How does one act out ones    On May 31, 2006, I sent an earlier revision of this article to one of my few good friends.  She had told me that she was working on a paper about abnormal sexual behavior for one of her classes, and that's how the conversation started. 

 

Obviously, I know a LOT about paraphilias and the like, so we exchanged information and ideas.  She stated that she had several friends who enjoyed unusual sexual behavior.  I figured that if she could accept them she might accept me.  I sent her the document that night, not knowing whether I had just thrown a wrench into our relationship.  Fortunately, she was quite accepting, and offered me some suggestions, which I responded to by E-Mail sometime later.  (The document is entitled File for You.txt if you want to look at it.)  We have not discussed it since, although it has been mentioned a few times in passing