The Story of David Mayter (2004)
Entry 12: The Day of Defeat (part two)
”Will! Time for dinner!” a voice called.
”Alright mom!” she heard call back.
Will sat in his room, and he was nervous, and he had every reason to be. He was
sitting on his bed, concentrating hard on a sheet of paper that he held in his
hands. He read the words that he had written on it out loud, but extremely
quietly, to himself.
”…It is a very important for me…” he said…
”…I understand that you have… many questions for me…” he said, continuing.
”…I am open to any questions you may have…… about my want for diapers” he said.
”Will!” he heard once again, coming from downstairs.
He stood up, put the piece of paper into his pocket, swallowed hard, and looked
at himself in the mirror.
”Was this the right thing to do?” he thought.
He thought about the consequences, but then thought of the rewards. He had gone
through so much to gain confidence to tell his mother. He breathed in hard, and
walked out of his room…
---
Will sat there, eating his
dinner. He was quiet, trying to think of exactly the right moment to tell his
mother.
”So Will, how was your day?” his mother asked, breaking the silence.
”Oh, it was good, thanks… yours?” he politely asked.
”It was fantastic, thanks… how come you’re so quiet tonight? Something wrong?”
she asked.
”No, nothing is wrong… I just… Mom… I want to talk to you about something” Will
said, very nervously.
William’s mother looked at him blankly.
“What, what is it?” she
asked.
”Welp, it’s too late now… no turning back now…” Will thought…
”Mom, I’d really want you to say yes to what I am about to ask you… it means, A
LOT to me…” Will said, carefully saying the words that he had written before.
”What?” she asked, concerned.
He breathed in deeply, and
began his speech. He said exactly what he had rehearsed, his entire speech was
flawless. He explained to her, though heart-felt words, the feelings that had
grown onto him over the years, the whole nine yards…
“Mom, I have to talk to you
something, something very important to me. This may be a very big shock to you…
it’s nothing bad…” Will said.
”What is it?” his mother asked, concerned.
”It’s best that you think with an open mind… you know… David… his… problem?”
Will said.
”…Yes…” his mother said, wondering what this could be leading to…
From there, he said exactly what he had rehearsed, his entire speech was
flawless. He explained to her, though heart-felt words, the feelings that had
grown onto him over the years, the whole nine yards. He explained that he knew
it was not normal, but there a lot of kids that do it. He explained that all
that he wanted was her support, and that’s it. He could buy diapers with his
own money; all he wanted was her support…
”…and I guess that’s it… all I want is some support… any questions you have, I
am free to answer, because I know you have a few” Will said.
He looked at his mother, who
looked to be in a bit state of shock. Will put his head down, swallowing hard.
He tried to think that he had just done the right thing.... but the thought
that he had just made one of the worst mistakes of his life, always came into
his head.
”…Well?” he said, with a quiet tone.
”I… don’t really know what to say… I just… need to think about it for a little
bit,” his mother said, with a slightly chilling tone of voice.
And without further thought, she picked up her plate, and carried it into the
kitchen, leaving Will at the table to think if he had just made a good move… or
a bad move.
---
Will lay on his bed, in his room. He was not sure what to be thinking… he was
anxious, but also worried. Suddenly he heard footsteps coming closer to him,
from the steps. He sat up, just as he heard a knock on his door.
”Come in” he said.
The door opened, revealing
his mother.
”Will?” she said.
”I thought about what you said… I thought about it for as long as I could, and
I have come up with the decision…” she said.
William’s heart skipped a
beat from the tension…
“What is it?” he asked.
“Will… I have decided… that I
will not allow this to be a part of you any longer” his mother said.
Will stopped for a second, not quite sure if had heard her correctly…
”…What?” he asked.
“I’m sorry William, but… it
just seems down-right unhealthy!” his mother said.
“…What!?!” he asked once
again, this time, confused by what his mother meant by down-right unhealthy.
”A 12-year-old boy should not want to wear diapers! It’s not normal…”
she said.
Will leaned back against his
bed… completely breath taken by what his mother is saying.
“I want you to stop… and I
have chosen… to take you to a professional to get this out of your head” she
said.
”Oh my God, you can’t be serious!” he said.
“I am! I am VERY serious!”
his mother said.
”Mom, please… PLEASE don’t do that to me” William begged.
“I’m sorry, but I have to. I
do not want you to act this way! It’s foul!” his mother insisted.
”What is so foul about it?” William asked.
“Diapers are not something a
12 year old boy should want! It’s not normal!” she said.
“It’s not normal? Why don’t
you go online some time, look it up! There is hundreds of web sites, and
thousands of kids, and adults that wear them!” he yelled.
”Well we live in a messed-up world, Will,” she said back.
William was speechless, he
really was. He could not believe someone could be so narrow minded… but then
again, it was not a surprise…
”I should have taken the advice of the people that told me not to it” he
thought, thinking of his TB friends online.
“Now Will, do you have any
diapers?” she asked.
There was a slight burning
sensation in him, one of aggravation and anger.
”Yeah, as a matter of fact I do” he said with a smart-mouthed tone of voice.
“Give me them” she ordered.
“Pfft, screw you. Find them
yourself,” he said back.
There was a look of
enragement in his mother’s eyes.
“Young man, you will give me
what you have, and then you will shut up with that tone of voice!” she said.
“You know so much about the
world, you find them,” he said.
“…Fine… you know what? I
will, and when I’m done, I swear you will wish you’d have not talked that way
to me” his mother said with a scarily angry voice.
Then she walked to the
closet, and began to search. Will listened to her tear the closet apart, as she
tossed shirts, hangers, and anything else that was in the closet, behind her
onto the floor. Will paid no thought to this, because he knew exactly where
they were… and the funny part was, he did not have any to begin with. The only
one he had was the one he was wearing right now. But Will got tired of this
game, and so he sat up on the bed.
”I’m going out for a walk,” he said.
“No you’re not!” his mom
said.
But he didn’t pay any
attention as he stood up, and began walking out of his room.
”Will, you get back here!” she yelled.
But he kept walking, down the
steps, and out the front door…
---
Will walked the streets of
his town, alone, cold, and kind of scared. It was night, and it was the first
time he had ever walked the streets at night by himself. There was no true
reason to be afraid, but it was just creepy. The only thing that was really
worth being afraid of, was his mother, waiting at home. But he didn’t care. He
was in awe, he really was.
Even though he thought he was expecting this, he soon discovered that he was
only fooling himself. He wasn’t prepared. He wasn’t expecting this. He knew it
could have happened, and he was not surprised, but he was not expecting it to
really happen. But it did… his mother denied his request for some simple
support. Apparently, this was too much.
He wondered what his mom
could really be thinking, that made it out to be so terrible. Did he think he
was gay, and his mother had a problem against homosexuality? Did she think he
was going to grow up to be a pedophile? Did she think he would start to ask for
her to change him, and later on, baby him? The questions and the possible
answers flew in and out of William’s head like a stream. But although he was
not sure what his mom was thinking, he was sure of one thing: she said no, and
she meant it.
He walked for a little bit,
going as far as he needed to cool off. But eventually, he turned around, and
started heading home…
---
Will walked upstairs, into
his room. He was anxious because he did not expect what his mother had in
store… but it was nothing he was expecting… because when he looked in his room,
his heart practically stopped.
His mom was sitting on his
bed, focusing hard on a book she had in her lap, not really acknowledging that
he was back. Will was confused, and looked at what she was reading… but when he
saw exactly what it was… his chest was on fire. She was reading his journal.
His mouth dropped, and so did he. He dropped to his knees, and looked around.
He saw a baby bottle, and a pacifier lying on the floor. He eyes were wide, and
the hair on the back of his neck was standing on end. He couldn’t believe this
was happening. He wanted to believe this was all a dream. He wanted to believe
that he would wake up, in his bed, so that this nightmare would end. But he
knew this was not true. He looked up at his mother, who looked at him… with a
look of disgust.
---
“It has been a week… since my
mother discovered what I am… who I am. I believe since then, she has looked at
me with a different view. I do not think she loves me anymore. Every time she
looks at me, I can feel the snare. I am humiliated. She barely even talks to me
anymore. She makes me feel like I am nothing, that I am worthless, disgusting
scum. I don’t think she wants me anymore… She has gone so far as to banning me
from ever talking to my friends, since she read where I was getting the diapers
from. She is disgusted that I was getting a diaper change with my friend…
David. I am not aloud to leave my room… I am not allowed to use the phone… use
the computer… watch TV… leave the house. It’s inhuman. I am imprisoned in my
own house.
David, I know… I
hope… you are reading this. I pray that my mother gives you this. This will be
my secret… I ask that my mother give you my final journal, with this letter. I
pray that you get it, and I pray that you understand. I am sorry… I just can’t
take it. If you could feel and see the disgust in my mother’s eyes… you would
follow in my footsteps. I hope you never have to. David, please understand… I
am sorry……. And I miss you…”
---
David sat back in his chair,
his mouth dropped to his ankles. He couldn’t believe it. He really, could not
believe it. He read the note many, many more times, each time, not believing
that Will had wrote these words, and meant what he said.
“…he… killed… himself…?” he
said, with words that were as chilling as the words he read.
“HE… KILLED… HIMSELF…” he
said again, louder, and angrier.
Suddenly he screamed it, as
loud as he could. He could not take it. He screamed it many times in disbelief.
He could not believe that he put up with 2 years of depression, and misery, for
a cowardly, pathetic, thing.
But just as David continued to scream, he slowly transitioned into tears. He
screamed at the top of his lungs, tears rolling down his face like a stream.
Suddenly he stopped. He looked around, and looked at the note, Will’s journal,
and the story he had written on the computer. He felt the flame that had been
burning inside of him from the situation with Jason, and Sven, and suddenly
felt it burst. He blew up, and took Will’s journal, and threw it hard against
the wall.
---
David sat in his room,
alone…in the center of his room, in the center of the floor. The blinds were
closed, his desk lamp was on. It was about dawn. The exact time was unknown, as
it has been many hours since he looked. It was very dark where the sun wasn’t coming
through, or where the desk lamp wasn’t lighting. But David didn’t bother
turning on the ceiling light. He didn’t care to. He had a much bigger thing on
his mind. David breathed in deeply, and wiped away several tears that were
going down his cheeks. Then he finally looked around himself. Around him were
papers. Notebook papers, just surrounding him everywhere, but their contents
were unknown. However, he looked over at a notebook, sitting in front of him
with a pencil sitting by it. He sobbed once or twice, until he finally leaned
in to read what was on the open page.
”Writing is a passion for me…it is the
way I let out my anger, let off steam. Paper is also a good way to wipe tears
from my bloodshot eyes; at least it has been for the past few days. This really
could be the last entry I write for a while. I think I may have snapped…if
these journal entries that I am about to read don’t remind me how much I
cherish life itself, I may end up doing something very drastic…something I
don’t want to do. I may hurt myself…or someone else…”
---
David pulled himself away
from the notebook he was reading. He had finally reached the end. The tears on
his cheeks were dry, the burning in his chest faded. But he was far from okay.
He looked down at the papers, realizing what he had done to Will’s and his
journal. He ripped the pages, and sat in the middle of them. He read his
journal entries, in hopes of finding a reason not to do something foolish. But
he was is not sure that it had worked. As a matter of fact… he started to think
that it had worked the complete opposite of what he wanted to do.
A few tears came from his
eyes, as he leaned down, picking a pencil, and continued to write on the page.
He wrote for a few minutes… stood up… and silently walked out of his room…
---
”Writing is a passion for me…it is the way I let out
my anger, let off steam. Paper is also a good way to wipe tears from my
bloodshot eyes; at least it has been for the past few days. This really could
be the last entry I write for a while. I think I may have snapped…if these
journal entries that I am about to read don’t remind me how much I cherish life
itself, I may end up doing something very drastic…something I don’t want to do.
I may hurt myself…or someone else…
…and now I am finished. I do not know how long I have
been reading them… possibly an hour. I do not care… I have come to a decision.
Will said in his letter that if I were in the same situation, I would follow in
his footsteps. I guess he wasn’t lying… I have more reason to follow in his
footsteps, than he did. Will is dead, because he was a coward. He was pathetic.
But he is dead… and now, my only friends left are now dead in my mind, because
I am dead in their minds. I have no reason to continue. Everyone hates me. I am
no longer wanted. I will rid them of my presence… good bye…”