“June, you’ve always been a good organizer so don’t worry about how you feel right now. For gosh sake, you just gave birth to twins last week; give yourself time to adjust. Everything will work out in the end,” admonished Melinda, June’s older sister, She was married to Luke Hardymon and had been coming over every day to help her get acclimated to the routine of two newborn babies and a nearly five-year old son. “After all, it’s a lot of work caring for three children. I know. Having Tyler and Josie just 18 months apart was tough on me and Luke. You and Henry will do just fine.”
Melinda was worried that June might be falling into a depression. This wasn’t uncommon after giving birth but she wanted to build up her sister’s confidence. Right then and there she decided that she would come by every day as long as her sister needed her.
Several days later, June seemed to be doing much better. The babies were as sweet and cooperative as Bryin had been and June was as relaxed looking as ever.
“Melinda, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, Sis. What?”
“How easy was it to potty train Ty and Josie?”
Melinda was glad that June had brought the subject up. She herself had been trying to figure out a way to raise this subject in relation to Bryin. She knew that Bryin wasn’t dry during the day even though he was almost five. She loved her sister and she didn’t want to offend her, but her sister had to get Bryin under control soon.
“Well, many people say that girls are easier to train than boys. I don’t know if this is really true or not, but Josie mastered day and night dryness much younger than Ty did. Ty was dry during the day just before his fourth birthday but didn’t really master night dryness until just recently.”
This was a little bit of a fib. In fact, Tyler (who was a few weeks away from turning six) still wet at night about once a week. But, this was far less frequently than just two months ago and Melinda was sure that in very little time Tyler really would be completely dry.
“I see.” June said. “I asked because I’m worried about Bryin. He seems to be regressing. Even before the twins were born, he started to go around the house in just his diapers, even when his friends were here. As you know, Henry and I have been trying to encourage Bryin to want to become dry on his own, but, every time we try, he seems to turn the tables on us. It’s like he’s manipulating us. He’s obviously a bright kid and he knows what’s going on. Why doesn’t he want to give up his diapers?”
Now that June had raised the issue she already felt better. She was sure that her sister would have some ideas that would help.
“Are you sure he doesn’t want to give up his diapers?”
“Henry disagrees with me, but, yes, I am more and more sure every day. Why else would he refuse to tell us when he needs to go potty. I mean, listen to me, he’s five years old, he still doesn’t want to use the bathroom, and Henry and I are still using words like “potty” and “pee pee.” He’s getting so big, his diapers barely fit any more and I have to change his sheets almost every morning because his plastic pants have leaked. The babies are going to take up most of my time now and I can’t be taking care of him as if he were helpless”
“I hope you won’t take this wrong, June, but, I think you’ve waited too long to act forcefully. You need to become much more insistent with him. Sit him down today and tell him he has to get his bathroom habits under control. Make him sit in the bathroom at prearranged times during the day until he has used the toilet like he should. Also, do what we did with Tyler. At night, we put him into much thicker flannel diapers. Not only did these absorb better, but they were more obvious when he had them on. I think the constant reminder of his thick diapers subtly suggested to him that he looked like a big toddler with his pajamas bulging out the way they did. When some of his friends wanted to have a sleepover at Halloween last year, he said he didn’t want to go. I think it was because he knew he wouldn’t be able to hide his diapers from his friends. Within a month of this sleepover, his night wetting dropped dramatically and he began going to the bathroom by himself in the middle of the night. It was well worth the lost sleep. In Bryin’s case, I would also put him into these thicker diapers during the day. Let’s face it, right now his diapers are not much thicker than regular underwear. He might not feel embarrassed to be seen by his friends now, but if his friends see him in thick diapers, I’m sure that will generate some pressure for him to come around.”
“Gee, Melinda, I don’t know,” worried June. “I don’t want him to feel like a freak.”
“Of course not. I’m just suggesting that you make the choice clearer for Bryin. Right now his staying in diapers doesn’t make him feel that out-of-step with his peers. Thick diapers will make the difference obvious and they will help him get on with his toilet training more quickly. I think it would be good for Bryin to feel how far behind his friends he is. They might even start telling him that they won’t be his friends if he doesn’t get rid of his diapers. Kids don’t want to feel different and they certainly don’t want to hang around with other kids who are identified as “weird”. You’ve got to do something before Bryin starts getting rejected by his peers”
“I guess you’re right. I’ll talk to Henry tonight.”
Henry reluctantly agreed and June informed Bryin that he would be put onto a strict bathroom-time and diaper regime. June and Melinda went out together to buy the diapers that Bryin would need.
“Here, June,” said Melinda as they sorted through the cloth diapers in the medical supply store, “these ought to fit Bryin just fine. And right behind you are the plastic pants”
“Gee, these seem awfully thick. Will he be able to get his pants on over these? I don’t want to encourage him to continue going around without his pants.”
“Let’s stop at the thrift store on the way home and see what they have in the children’s department. It would be a waste to buy new clothes for what will, hopefully, be a short-lived training.”
Melinda and June decided to buy Bryin two dozen diapers and eight pairs of daytime plastic pants and another six pairs for nighttime. They decided the best thing would be to put him into double diapers at night just as Ty had worn. During the day, the flannel diapers would still be very thick and, most importantly, the bulge under his pants would be impossible to hide.
As soon as her sister dropped her off at home, June laundered the new diapers and then called Bryin into his room.
“Remember what we talked about this morning. Until you learn to act like a big boy you will be put back into thick diapers day and night. To help you become a big boy, you will have “toilet time” in the morning when I wake you, after breakfast, lunch and dinner, and then just before going to bed. Daddy and I expect you to use the toilet and to tell us when you need the toilet at other times of the day. As soon as you are dry during the day for one week we’ll give you big boy underwear. If you do the same thing at night for two weeks, we’ll take off the night diapers and just leave your plastic sheet on your bed for a little while longer until we are sure that you won’t have any accidents. Also, when that happens, we will let you have a sleepover with Kahrl and Lucas. Now won’t that be fun?”
“Uh, OK, Mommy,” was Bryin’s only answer.
“OK, jump up on the bed and I’m going to change you into your daytime diaper and plastic pants.”
June noticed right away that Bryin was wet, but she decided not to say anything. After taking off the wet diapers, she carefully wiped him clean and then pinned on the new flannel diaper. She couldn’t get over how thick they were and she was sure that Bryin wouldn’t like the thickness between his legs.
“Now stand up and put on your plastic pants and your play shorts.”
***
Bryin was feeling confused. Why did his parents buy him new diapers (which he wanted) at the same time that they were telling him that he had to stop wearing them soon? He had never really gone against the wishes of his parents (although an objective observer would be able to recall his “terrible two’s” and the tantrums he used to throw) so he would follow the instructions they gave him. But, he was firm in his mind that he would not give up his diapers.
***
All through this procedure June was anxiously waiting for Bryin to start complaining about his new treatment. But, she was disappointed when she realized that he wasn’t going to complain and, in fact, after putting on his plastic pants his first comment was to ask his mother if he could go show Lucas his new diapers and plastic pants!
“Absolutely not,” shouted his mother, “boys don’t go around showing off their diapers and plastic pants! Especially if they’re as old as you are.”
June was instantly sorry that she had shouted at Bryin but she was getting frantic over the possible failure of his toilet training. Not only did he not mind going back into thick diapers, he wanted to show them off to his friends! This was definitely not a good beginning.
Sure enough, Bryin’s behavior did not change at all in the next few months. To be fair to Bryin, though, he cooperated with the program and rarely whined or complained. It’s just that nothing changed. He continued wetting and messing without making any attempt to use the toilet. June was very discouraged and Henry, while he supported June’s efforts, did not seem that upset or concerned.
“Look, June, I understand boys and how they think. Let’s not push too hard or Bryin will begin to rebel. So far, what’s really happened? Bryin doesn’t want to toilet train. He isn’t responding to the social pressures to remain clean. In fact, his friends, for whatever reason, don’t tease him about it at all. He’ll be starting second grade soon and I’m sure that he’ll get enough pressure to want to change. Kids are like that- he’ll meet someone whom he’ll want as a friend; that person will ask Bryin about his diapers or make some comment about the smell and in a matter of days he’ll be out of diapers. Trust me, I know how boys are.”
June wondered about her husband’s lack of concern, but she was tired of discussing the subject so she let it pass. The next day, a new family decision was made. There would be no more “toilet time” for Bryin, but he would lose privileges like TV and play time if he didn’t ask for changes in a timely fashion. Furthermore, he was given more responsibility for the laundry. His mother showed him how to rinse out his dirty diapers and how to soak them in the diaper pail before laundering. He also now had the responsibility to fold the clean diapers and put them away. If any of this was intended to drive away Bryin’s diaper fascination, it didn’t work.
And so it went. Bryin seemed to be growing up normally. He began participating in sports programs in which he showed serious promise. He was especially good at roller hockey and soccer. He excelled on defense; he was quick, intuitive, and especially good at anticipating opponents’ moves. Henry and June were proud of Bryin but they nonetheless were embarrassed when other parents would make comments such as, “Imagine how well he could run without those diapers,” or “I know a good child psychologist who could…” They eventually developed a more-or-less standard answer: “Bryin has been checked out thoroughly and is in good mental and physical health. We are proud of him and we encourage him to do his best in all situations.” Some people accepted the answer without comment, others gave them a “better-you-than-me” look, and still others responded with a skeptical “you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-but-I-won’t-argue-with-you” look.
But, their statements were true. Bryin was a very good child. He was loyal to his friends, a hard working student in school, cooperative at home, a good older brother, and most importantly, very affectionate. He wasn’t at all shy about giving hugs when appropriate. In the evening, after his bath (and since he had turned twelve, his shower) he liked to watch TV with his dad, snuggling up close and sometimes even asking to sit on his lap. Henry knew that these moments would not last forever, so he readily welcomed Bryin’s requests.