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Joseph Kross:

the adventures of

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a short story by austin

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Notes: First, sorry about the sudden appearance of a “Scott” near the end of the last chapter. That was supposed to be Steve. I also found a couple other typos and hopefully that wasn’t too big of a distraction to you all. Joseph, in this chapter, enters the eye of the storm that is the plot. It is calm for this chapter…kinda. I’m rather proud of this one and I hope you enjoy.

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********************* CHAPTER 2 *********************

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Joseph woke slowly, disoriented but warm, and by the chill that was reaching his cheeks from where they peaked out past the edge of his sleeping bag, he could tell that it was cold in the room. A dull, gray light filtered through the window that had fogged and frosted up overnight. Joseph sat up, pulling the sleeping bag up with him and keeping it closely held to his body. He lazily surveyed his surroundings and began to process where he was and how he had gotten there. Leaning over the edge of the bunk, Joseph saw that Caleb was still sleeping. Caleb must be incredibly warm blooded, Joseph thought, because he had shed the sleeping bag during the night along with his shirt and was laying on his tummy, stretched out over the mattress and sleeping bag bare backed, diaper clad, and pajama bottomed. Joseph watched him for a while, analyzing with wonder how thickly his bunkmate's rear was padded. Caleb's back rose and fell slowly with each breath the boy took. His shoulder blades stuck out sharply and Joseph was comforted in the fact that at least one other boy was as skinny as he was.

Joseph felt the need to use the toilet and climbed as carefully and quietly as he could down the ladder. He was reminded of his diapered state as his plastic pants whispered rather loudly on the way down. Caleb seemed to be in a deep sleep, however, and didn't miss a beat in his steady breathing.

Closing the door gingerly, Joseph set off down the hallway toward the bathroom. As he rounded the corner that brought him past the front lounge and office area, the double doors burst open and a blast of frigidly cold air froze Joseph in his place. Steve stomped in, white snow caked well up his jeans and completely covering the boots that he was wearing. He was dressed in a thick ski coat and had a brown knit winter hat pulled down over his ears.

"Whew-ey!" Steve exclaimed, stomping his feet around on the welcome mat, trying to shake off the stubborn snow which didn't seem very interested in disengaging from Steve's boots and pants. "It...is...cold...out...there," Steve said in between stomps. "Don't think that is going to do any melting today."

Joseph still stood still, embarrassed that he was wearing a diaper and it might be obvious, and that he had to pee, and completely fascinated with the snow. He was torn between wanting to bolt for the bathroom to relieve himself and get rid of this diaper (it didn't seem as comforting anymore and he didn't want to be seen in it), and wanting to go and see the snow. He realized again how unfamiliar he was with this snow stuff. Nothing like it in California, except maybe sand and dirt. That seemed to stick everywhere too when he tried to come indoors. Giving into his curiosity, Joseph walked over to the door, carefully avoiding with his sock covered feet the clumps of snow which Steve had shaken off.

Joseph's breath caught in his throat. It was nothing short of amazing. Outside, it was completely white. Completely. From the sky on down to the ground. The sky was filled with a formless gray cloud cover. Trees with fluffy tuffs of snow hanging precariously from every leaf and towering high on every branch punctured the sky and filled in the spaces between the industrial warehouses and dilapidated buildings and houses which surrounded the center. Even the renewing sheen of the pure white snow couldn't hide the poverty and disrepair which was readily apparent in every building Joseph could see. Cars parked along the edge of the street were covered in what looked to Joseph to be at least a foot and a half of snow. At an intersection, Joseph saw snow flying in the air and could make out a driver with a shovel trying to dislodge his car from the stubborn and slippery snow. And finally, Joseph could see footprints leading from the door to a car parked just on the street and back again.

"Quite something, isn't it?" Steve said from behind Joseph.

Joseph just nodded.

"This is so out of the ordinary for Seattle. I mean, we'll get snow once or twice a year, but it barely sticks and only lasts an hour. This...well, this is just crazy. This city is going to shut down." Steve stomped a couple more times. "Looks like we're going to be stuck here for a while."

Joseph tore himself away from the window. He wanted to keep looking at the snow and he really really wanted to go out in it, but his need to pee was growing to the point where he couldn't ignore it anymore.

"You probably want some breakfast?" Steve asked.

Joseph nodded, then sped past Steve into the receiving room. "Gotta pee first," he called over his shoulder. He heard Steve laughing good-naturedly as he slammed the door and yanked down the diaper and sweatpants. When he was finished, Joseph stepped out of the diaper and plastic pants and put back on the sweatpants. He felt airy and almost naked without the extra padding and, much to his surprise, he instantly missed them. But the need he had felt last night had abated and the idea of wearing diapers seemed silly and far too infantile to entertain.

Steve was waiting for Joseph out in the entrance way, now minus the boots which were next to a heater, the snow quickly melting off. "You could have just gone in the diaper," Steve said with a smile.

Joseph immediately blushed. "I..." he started.

Steve patted Joseph's shoulder with a laugh. "I'm just kidding, buddy. Let's go bust a munch, I'm hungry!"

"Bust a munch?" Joseph laughed.

"Yep, bust a mean munch." They started on down the hallway. "Man, those cars aren't moving an inch," Steve said, more to himself than to Joseph. "We ain't going nowhere today. I don't even think Seattle's got more than one snow plow."

Joseph sat at the same table as the night before, a bowl of cold cereal and a steaming cup of hot chocolate in front of him. Meg and Emma were up eating as well, though it looked as if Meg was drinking coffee not cocoa. Emma smiled at Joseph. "How did you sleep?" she asked quietly.

Joseph shrugged. He was wondering how old Emma was if Caleb was his age and not nearly his size. "Pretty good," he replied. "You?"

"Good," Emma said, but she still looked tired. That same tired look, deep shadows under each eye. Joseph doubted if one good night's sleep was enough to erase exhaustion so entrenched.

Joseph heard a rustling near the door and looked up to see Caleb shuffling in. He had put back on the shirt that was far too big for him. It went almost down to his knees and again covered up the thick diapers Joseph knew Caleb was wearing. Caleb took a seat at the table and poured himself some cereal from the box that was sitting open next to a carton of milk.

"Good morning, Caleb," Meg said, taking a sip of coffee.

Caleb mumbled a reply, but it wasn't translatable into any sort of understandable English.

"Caleb's not really a morning person," Meg explained to Joseph, reaching over and patting Caleb's arm in a teasing manner. Caleb mumbled something else that didn't sound very nice as he started to attack his cereal with frantic scooping. He must be starving, Joseph thought.

Steve asked Meg if she'd seen how much snow was outside, turning the attention away from Caleb.

"Yeah, looks like we might be gettin' some overtime," Meg said. "Joseph, I called the police and they said they'll try to get in contact with your grandma, but to not expect anything today."

Joseph nodded, but didn't really mind the idea. He was just getting comfortable here and the thought of leaving Meg, Caleb, Emma, and Steve made him feel lonely. They were the first people who had treated him like he existed in quite some time and he wasn't quite ready to leave.

"Well," Steve said, leaning back from his food and looking around the table with a smile, "What should we do today?"

"I really want to go out in the snow!" Joseph blurted, immediately embarrassed and surprised he had talked. But he couldn't contain the awe he felt about the winter wonderland that had been created overnight.

"That can be arranged," Meg said, "We might have some snow clothes stowed away somewhere."

"I'm sure we do," Steve agreed, "We've got enough donations around here, there's got to be something in all that mess that is waterproof."

After they had cleaned up breakfast, Meg had Joseph follow her as they went to find more clothes for him to wear.

"So did you bring any bags with you from home?"

"Yeah, but they were left at the airport. They were kicking everybody out and I didn't have the chance to get mine."

"Well, I can't guarantee good fit or comfort, but I think we can keep you clothed for as long as you need to stay here."

"That'd be nice," Joseph said as they went back into the receiving room and started to dig through the tattered cardboard box.

As they were looking, Meg noticed Joseph's discarded diaper which he had left lying on the bathroom floor. "So, did that help you relax last night?" Meg asked, nodding toward the diaper.

"Yeah, I guess so," Joseph said after a moment’s hesitation. He almost brought up what he and Caleb and discussed before falling asleep the night before, about alternative therapy and the little white lies Meg had told Joseph, but he decided against it.

"Doesn't look like you used them."

"Naw. Does...does Caleb?"

Meg laughed. "Oh my, does he ever. I swear he tries to pee even more when he has them on."

"Isn't that kind of gross?" Joseph asked with a shiver.

Meg shrugged. "Depends on how you look at it. Doesn't really gross me out. Guess it might for some people." She paused, her hands momentarily still, a pair of jeans in them. "There are a lot of different kinds of people in the world, and lots of different ways to do things, and I've decided that I'm not going to worry so much about what other people think." Meg looked at Joseph and smiled. "And I've found that I like making tired, hurt boys feel better, and if that means changing a few diapers, then so be it." She threw the jeans into a pile of discarded clothes saying, "Those look a little big."

Joseph didn't know how to respond to Meg's comments, but they sounded right and clear and even noble. Joseph liked her even more in that moment. "Does Caleb wear them during the day, too?"

"If he wants to. He's only really here for a day or two at most. It might be a bit different with the snow and his mom's really not doing so well this time, so it is hard to say. But yes, if he is here during the day, he'll usually ask me to put a diaper on him. Ah, try these on," Meg said, holding out a pair of faded jeans that had a tear on each knee.

Joseph started to pull down his sweats, then stopped. "I'm not, uh, wearing any underwear."

Meg didn't stop searching for a shirt. "So," was all she said, "I saw you naked last night, didn't I? The pants are clean, I promise you. Just washed."

Swallowing his embarrassment, Joseph stripped off the sweats and pulled the jeans up, quickly covering his exposed boyhood. "They fit," he said after zipping up and buttoning them.

"Good," Meg said, "Jump in the shower, I'll find a shirt for you while you clean up."

When Joseph was done showering, he came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. The room was empty. Before she left, Meg had laid out the jeans and a plaid button-down shirt on one of the chairs. Next to the clothes was an opened bag of new boxer briefs, and next to that one of the pull-up cloth diapers and plastic pants. She was giving him the choice. He paused, staring back and forth at the two options. He reached for the underpants, then stopped and took another look at the diaper. Joseph thought about how nice it had been last night, how comforting. He looked back and forth again, then made a dash for the diaper before he could change his mind. Quickly pulling it up, he immediately relished the feeling of the soft cloth is it traced its path from his belly button, over his boyhood, between his legs, and up over his bottom. After putting on the plastic pants, he went into the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror.

His hair, still damp from the shower, stuck down to his head and shined with a glossy sheen. His facial features were at once sharp as the bones that seemed to stick out all over his scrawny body and boyishly soft, reflecting his eleven years. Joseph was often told he had a calm, stoic face; that it rarely revealed the trouble that brewed both inside and out. When he was told that, it made him want to scream. His hazel eyes appeared to change color depending on his mood (and the color of shirt he wore). Sometimes icy blue, sometimes jade green, but most times a dull gray that seemed to repel any emotion from entering or escaping. Joseph thought that his face had betrayed him. He was good looking and he knew it, but did not like it. With chaos infiltrating every aspect of his life, Joseph felt that he should be marred or scarred, something to demonstrate and show the pain and uncertainty that was a constant part of his existence. But instead he glowed with boyish handsomeness, and this seemed to deter any help. Everyone around him just assumed he was OK. And the fact that he rarely showed any emotion only made matters worse.

His eyes drifted down his bare chest and to the diaper he was now wearing. It seemed so superfluous and outrageous, but at the same time the perfect remedy to the torn situation he had found himself in. Maybe it took something so over the top to sooth a situation that seemed unfixable and unbearable. It had felt bearable last night in a diaper, drinking hot chocolate, sitting next to Meg, Caleb, Emma, and Steve, and watching a movie. And it felt bearable now. The white diaper contrasted with his tanned body. The plastic pants puffed out around Josephs' middle, bunched up around his smooth legs, and just reached his belly button, traces of abdomen muscles visible on his flat tummy. Joseph looked back up at his face and found that he was smiling. He left his reflection and went back into the room. He put on the jeans. They just fit over the diaper and it was obvious he was wearing extra padding, but Joseph didn't mind. He just didn't care. He buttoned up the shirt and stepped out into the lobby.

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Meg, Steve, Colin, and Emma were digging about in a pile of snow gear. Hats, gloves, and snow suites were flying about as everyone tried to find anything that might fit. The confidence that Joseph had had in the bathroom momentarily dissipated and he considered running back into the room and stripping off the diaper, but then he just shook his head and told himself it was time for some alternative therapy. Meg looked up at him and smiled, giving him a wink. Colin had changed into different clothes, though they looked neither new nor fresh. Joseph bent down to find himself some snow gear and felt the jeans he was wearing tighten and hold the diaper even closer to his body. Joseph knew the outline must have been glaringly obvious, but tried to block any worry about his appearance.

After rifling through the rather large pile of gear, they were each able to find options that would fit. Joseph stepped into and pulled up snow suit overalls which were colored an opaque blue. The waterproof material was thick and warm and just a tad bit small. With the straps over Joseph's shoulders, the suit was pulled up tight and seemed to press on the diaper even more. After putting on a thick green winter coat, Joseph pulled a yellow knit snow hat low over his ears, nearly down to his eyes, and covered his hands with some black gloves. He walked around the room while the others fitted themselves in the warm clothes. It felt weird with the extra clothing and diaper, much different than his usual attire of flip flops, shorts, and a tank top.

"Never worn a hat and gloves before," Joseph said to no one in particular.

"Lucky," grumbled Emma as she tried on a couple different hats, looking over to Meg for approval on each one, "wouldn't mind trading this weather in for some California sunshine any day."

"Done," Joseph said and walked to the door, anxious to get out into the snow. "I'll even let you have my room," he added dryly.

The time in the snow did not fall short of Joseph's sky high expectations. The vast opportunities that the endless white expanse offered multiplied with every new activity Steve and Meg came up for the five of them to do. The way Steve and Meg played, Joseph almost forgot they were probably twice his age. Using tupperware containers from the kitchen to form bricks, they built two towering snow forts and had a spirited snowball fight, girls versus boys. Meg showed Joseph how to make a snow angel, but, unimpressed, Joseph instead used the idea to create other impressions of creatures and letters in the snow, writing in large block letters across much of the street, "Aliens, please help!"

Steve had suggested they go to a hill that was nearby to see if they could sled down it. When they reached the hill, they found several other people, both kids and adults, hurtling down at breakneck speed. A shiny slick path had been forged down the long hill, grooved and smoothed to speedy perfection by the plentiful thrill seekers sledding down it (then trudging back up, a variety of colorful saucers and sleds in tow). Not having a sled of their own, they were forced to make the hike to the top of the residential-street-turned-sled-slope empty handed. The many footsteps up the sidewalk provided a type of stairs that made what was most certainly a slippery climb slightly easier. The hill was long with stretches of steep downhill, then, where a cross street intersected (which happened every 50 meters or so), a sudden flattening for a moment, then a quick plunge down the next down slope, and so on. Joseph counted five cross streets as they made their way up and was out of breath and very hot when they reached the top. He unzipped his coat and pulled off his hat. Steam rose lazily from his wet hair.

"Whew," Joseph breathed as they all turned to take in the view. The valley below was covered in every inch by the gray outlines of buildings obscured in snow. Trees poked up here and there. A freeway wound its way through the corridor, though only a few brave cars were slowly following the feeble path traced along one of the lanes each way. To his left, Joseph could see clearly the towering skyscrapers of downtown Seattle, now no longer obscured by the hill which they had just climbed. They were so close he felt like he could reach out and touch the tall buildings with his gloved hand. It was majestic and induced the sort of awe that only skylines of that scale could produce. Joseph had seen Los Angeles before, choked in dirty brown smog, hazy from the unending heat, and smelly. But this was different. A city, no less, but a city clean and proud. Behind the tall downtown buildings, Joseph could see water stretching out into the fog and grayness of the day, and on either side, more hills, dotted with trees, undulated as far as he could see, layered and progressively more blurred into the horizon. It was hard to believe that this beauty was home to the sort of suffering that swallowed Caleb and Emma’s lives, the poverty and delinquency that even made a Temporary Youth Housing Facility necessary. How could the same people, the city, be at once so beautiful and ugly? The contradiction was great. And was it the fault of the beautiful or the fault of the ugly? Joseph suspected both.

Steve managed to procure bright red saucers from a father of two whose children were exhausted from too many climbs up the lofty hill and desired a rest. Sipping hot chocolate from a thermos, they watched as Joseph was coaxed onto the sled by a reassuring Meg.

"There isn't anything to run into, Joseph, and the snow doesn't hurt if you fall off. And," she added, "That path is so set you won’t even have to steer.”

Joseph sat, his diapered bottom squarely in the middle of the red, round saucer. His booted feet dug deeply into the snow as he teetered on the edge of the hill. The hill seemed even longer from this vantage point, those sledders who had already made the decent mere dots at the bottom. Joseph could feel his heart pounding furiously in his chest. He zipped back up his coat and took a deep breath. He took one more look at Meg, who was standing with her hands in her pockets and smiling. She gave him a slight nod. He suddenly had to pee. He could feel the diaper around his middle and knew no one would be the wiser if he released his bladder right now.

"I'm going to push you off if you don't go now!" Caleb said impatiently directly behind Joseph. Joseph, who had not known Caleb was there, was startled and accidentally lifted his feet in surprise. Gravity immediately took hold and before Joseph could protest, he was on his way down. He fixed his eyes steadily on the path in front of him, the adrenaline pulsing through his veins as the ground flew past. His speed quickly increased and Joseph could feel the cold air whipped against his face. His eyes started to water as they protested the frigid assault. Holding on to the saucer for dear life, he was not that far away from the ground and it rushed by. A strange silence had settled over Joseph, broken only by the steady crackling of the snow as the saucer followed the packed path. The houses on either side of the street whizzed past Joseph's peripheral, their distinction muddied into streaking colors of blues, reds, greens; all diluted with the constant presence of white. Joseph reached the first cross street and was jolted as the path suddenly flatted then: airborne. Someone must have slowed everything down because Joseph had the impression he was floating. The houses were no longer diffused in motion. Joseph could clearly see the face of a small child, perhaps three or four years old, pressed into the glass of a window in a house on the side of the street, watching Joseph with wide, wonder-filled eyes. With a thud and a terrific jolt, Joseph was back on the ground, amazingly still on the saucer and, much to his dismay and excitement, still hurtling down the hill, the next terrace quickly approaching. Joseph let out a whoop. He gripped the side of the saucer tighter and suddenly realized he was peeing. He felt his bladder release, the warm urine quickly wicked by the thirsty cloth held close to Joseph by the jeans and snow suit. The sensory assault was fantastic. Still blazing down the hill and now peeing in a diaper for the first time since he was a proper age for such business. In the air again, the next terrace having come and tossed him mercilessly over the next precipitous decline. A warm, soggy feeling spreading throughout his crotch. He could feel liquid creeping its way between his legs and up his bottom. Then on the ground, speeding down. Joseph was dizzy with excitement and dumb with awe. Then, long before he wanted it to be over, after he had flown through the last couple cross streets, he was coasting, slowing rapidly, and finally stopped. The most amazing experience in his short life was over and Joseph sat there on the saucer, breathing rapidly, warmth radiating from his now wet diaper. He turned and looked up at the hill and saw, now miniature, Meg and Steve waving down at him. What must have been Caleb was already flying down the hill, yelling at the top of his lungs in ecstasy.

They sledded for hours, each taking turns, trading off with the rightful owners of the sleds and, once the other winter city adrenaline seekers found out where the five of them had come from, taking rides down the hill on a variety of other sleds. Everyone was very friendly. Even though Joseph could tell no one knew each other, they treated each other as neighbors. Joseph, Caleb, and Emma were even able to share a steaming cup of hot chocolate given to them by a friendly family.

Joseph peed in his diaper a second time, this time not by accident, but standing at the top of the hill, enjoying both the view and the warmth of the urine spreading around. Unexpectedly, he gasped in surprise and abruptly forced himself to stymie the flow of pee. A warm trickle was making its way down his leg. He was leaking. Joseph walked gingerly over to where Meg and Steve were conversing with a father who was holding the hand of a restless toddler. With each step he could feel a little more liquid escape the confines of the plastic pants and drip down his leg. It felt gross.

"Hey Meg?" Joseph butted in.

Meg looked at him with a smile. "Yeah, Joseph, what's up?"

He asked her if he could talk to her for a moment and they stepped away from the others.

"Um," he started, not quite sure if he wanted to say what he had to say out loud with so many people around.

Meg looked at him carefully then leaned down and whispered, "Do you need a change?"

Joseph nodded and looked away, embarrassed.

Leaking or not, Joseph decided the best way down the hill was sledding, not walking. The timing was good because one of the other families was leaving and volunteered one of their sleds for Joseph's decent. One more time he basked in the exhilaration of the steep and speedy ride. At the bottom, he waited patiently for the walkers, sitting on the sled and watching others enjoy the winter fun. More and more people had shown up at the hill and police had even put up barriers to block the intersections, even though there was no risk of any cars trying to drive through. The roads were barren. It was clear that this was a unique day of celebration in Seattle. As Joseph sat, he felt the wet diaper squish around on his behind and crotch. It had stopped leaking, but he felt the wetness of the jeans on his legs and knew the sight would not be pretty when he took off the snow suit.

Caleb, Emma, and Steve followed behind Meg and Joseph back to the center. The way Caleb was walking, Joseph got the impression he had either crashed and hurt his bum or needed a change too.

When they reached the center after a short walk down sidewalks that were now hard packed with footprints, Meg and Joseph went into the receiving room after removing their wet boots, hats, and gloves. As Joseph walked, he felt that every part of him was wet, either from pee or melting snow, and he was starting to feel cold. As he pulled off the snow suit, Joseph saw that the leak had been pretty extensive, a large wet spot covering the front of the jeans and running down the legs.

"Probably should have put you in the real diapers," Meg commented as she motioned for him to take off his pants. "These pull-ups can really only handle one wetting."

Joseph felt his face blush at the implication that he had wet twice. He peeled off the pants and the diaper started to slide off his body. "That's heavy!" Joseph commented.

"Yep," Meg agreed, "go ahead and step out of it. You take a shower while I find you some new clothes."

Joseph took off the diaper and found himself again standing with himself exposed in front of Meg. He realized he wasn't as embarrassed as he was the first time. He stripped off the shirt too, then after one more look at Meg, who had already started digging through the box of used clothes, Joseph went into the bathroom and started the shower. After the cold hours outside, the hot water bit at his skin and he felt prickles trace their way down his back as the water ran in thick rivulets down his smooth skin. He shivered momentarily as his body adjusted to the water's temperature. And when it had, Joseph let the hot water cascade over his head and run down his body. It felt so good and he shivered again, this time in pleasure.

Drying off, Joseph walked casually into the receiving room and froze. Meg was sitting on the floor folding two thick cloth diapers. She looked up at Joseph and smiled.

"Hey, I was starting to think you were stuck in there."

"Water was nice," Joseph mumbled, distractedly staring at the diapers.

Meg patted the carpeted floor in front of her. "Lie down, Joseph. Let's get you ready so we can go eat lunch. I, for one, am starving."

Joseph didn't move. He wasn't sure he wanted to lie down. The pull-up diapers had been one thing, but to be actually pinned up in diapers, like a baby...Joseph wasn't sure.

Meg leaned back. "You don't have to," she said quietly, almost whispering. "I just thought you'd want to is all."

"Caleb told me I'm the only other person he knows of that has worn diapers here," Joseph said, looking at the wall behind Meg, avoiding her eyes.

Meg looked at Joseph, eying him carefully.

"And you told me," Joseph continued, "that lots of boys do. You lied."

"Oh Joseph," Meg said, standing up and pulling Joseph, who was wrapped tightly in a thick, green towel, close to her body. "It wasn't meant to be a mean lie."

Maybe it was because of the stress of the last few days, maybe it was because he was embarrassed and vulnerable being so close to Meg and being so naked, or maybe it was because he had been so high, so happy out there sledding and playing in the snow, but all the sudden, Joseph felt interminably sad. And the most hopeless part of it all was Joseph had no real reason why. He had been happier that morning than he had ever been before in his life. For once, he was not surrounded by open hostility and neglect, convenient and inexcusable ignorance. For once he was not lonely or scared. For once he had been content. He had been happy. So why was he sad? Joseph wasn't crying, shaking. Like usual, no emotion was showing on his face. He was just letting Meg hold him. He was feeling her warmth through the towel. He was feeling her hand lightly rub his back.

"I guess I just don't..." Joseph started, then felt a lump in his throat. Suddenly he knew why he was unhappy. Suddenly he knew why he was about to cry for the first time in a long while. Joseph felt like he was choking. His mouth opened by no sound came out, just silent agony. He couldn't take a breath.

"Breath, Joseph," Meg whispered softly, "breath."

Finally a moan escaped and Joseph took a deep breath. His whole body shook. Meg held him closer. "Breath," she whispered. The tears fell from Joseph's eyes directly into the fabric of Meg's shirt, which was still a bit damp from the snow. "Breath." Joseph let out a powerful sob. Not that crying is ever rhythmic or natural sounding, but Joseph's crying seemed down right out of practice. Like he just didn't know how. Just his small, shaking body in Meg's embrace, and the tears, and the occasional sob. Meg's mantric chanting of "Breath, breath, breath."

After a while, Joseph's sobs died out, the tears subsided, and his shaking body calmed. "I guess I just don't want it to end," Joseph finally finished. "It's too good, you know? And it just don't seem real. Especially this," Joseph pulled away from Meg and gestured toward the diapers which she had dropped on the floor to hold Joseph. "I don't want to go to my grandma's. I don't even know who she is. She might be as mean and as gone as my parents. I know you. I know Caleb, Emma, Steve. You guys are nice. I want to stay here." Joseph's emotions were back under control and he was speaking in a calm voice.

Meg reached out and put a hand on Joseph's shoulder. "Well, I'm not going to lie to you about this. You can't stay here, and you don't want to, really. Part of my job is to make sure where you are going is a good place. I can come with you to your grandma's if you'd like and make sure she is nice," Meg said with a wink. "And I'm sure she is, Joseph," she added.

Joseph shrugged. "We don't know that."

"You're right, we don't. But I'll tell you what I do know. You're going to be here at least until tomorrow, and we can make this the most relaxing, most fun day you can remember."

Meg's hand was still on Joseph's shoulder. She gave him a slight squeeze. Joseph wiped the remaining dampness from his eyes and smiled at Meg. "I'd like that," he said softly. "And," Joseph added, nodding towards the diapers, "I think I'd like those on as well."

"Well then," Meg said with a smile and a pat on the ground, "You gotta lie down."

Joseph unwrapped the towel and let it fall to his feet. As he was about to lie down, Meg reached out and grabbed the towel, quickly laying it out in front of her. Joseph correctly inferred that she wanted him to lie on the towel. "Cleaner," was all Meg said. Joseph lay still and stiff on the towel, his hands at his side. The air was cold against Joseph's bare skin. He stared up at Meg and felt a rush similar to what he had experienced at the top of the hill that morning, just before he let himself tip over the edge, before he let gravity take over, before he gave up his independence and self-determination, and let the hill take him where it willed. A similar feeling of expectation and trepidation, of inevitability. Joseph felt Meg's electric touch pat him on his leg. "Relax," Meg said. Joseph just stared at her, his eyes following the movement of her hands as she reached down and picked up the diapers. "Lift." Some instinct, some muscle memory still intact years after Joseph had been diapered as a baby, kicked in and Joseph lifted his middle, the movement as common and comfortable as if he did it on a daily basis. Meg placed the cloth under Joseph's bottom and he settled back down, his leg's slightly spread. She pulled the diapers (she had placed two under him) up snugly over Joseph's boyish penis and testicles. Joseph breathed deeply for the first time since Meg had begun the procedure as he felt the presence of the comforting cloth over his boyhood. After pinning the diapers securely in place, Meg pulled a pair of plastic pants, similar to what he had worn before but slightly bigger, up Joseph's smooth legs and enclosed the diapers in its waterproof shell.

"There you go," Meg said, patting Joseph on the leg again.

Joseph sat up, noticing how much thicker these diapers were compared to the pull-ups. Meg tossed him some sweats and a t-shirt. Joseph put them on as Meg folded the towel and put it in another box labeled "dirty." The bulge under the sweatpants was much more noticeable than it was the night before with the pull-ups. Joseph followed Meg out of the room and towards the cafeteria. The bunches of cloth between his legs obstructed his walking and Joseph could tell it was going to take a while to get used to the extra layer.

They took a seat next to Caleb and Emma, both had already changed into dry clothes (Joseph wondered if Caleb was in a dry diaper too and if so, who had changed him?), and Steve, who was still in clothes damp from the snow. Soup, left over from last night, sat steaming in a large pot. Caleb turned toward Joseph and, noticing Joseph's diapered state, smiled broadly, "Welcome to the club."

Joseph felt blood rush to his face and he tried his best not to smile back. Emma, who was sitting next to Joseph, reached back and patted Joseph on his diapered bottom. "Oh, those are thick!" She said, poking Joseph in the side. Joseph, infinitely ticklish, squirmed away and finally let a grin crack his stony expression. This must be the way Emma and Caleb survive their harsh world, Joseph thought, with a little laughter and a little regression.

They ate soup and bread and talked. Joseph tried to stay concentrated on what the others were saying, but found his thoughts time and again drifting to the diaper snugly secured around his middle. It just seemed so bizarre. But then, so did many other aspects of Joseph's life. His parents, his uncle, his house. Why not add something else out of the ordinary to an already peculiar life. Joseph didn't like to think about his parents and that was especially true over the last few weeks when it had gotten really weird, but he couldn't stop his thoughts from turning to them now. He almost wished they could be there, sitting with his new friends, just to see him. Joseph wanted to show them what it was like to care for him, to notice him, to make him feel at home. He wondered what they were doing right now, sitting in their jail cells. It'd be hot as hell, Joseph was sure.

The afternoon was magical, to say the least. The lone five occupants of the Temporary Youth Housing Facility lazily let the time drift into evening with card and board games. Most games Joseph, Emma, and Caleb did not know, but Meg and Steve patiently taught the displaced youth.

As the sun, which the drab gray cloud cover had never let through, drifted below the shrouded Olympic Mountains, the lighter gray of day faded into the darker gray of dusk. The hot chocolate that Joseph had been slurping down all afternoon made its desire to be released known. He pushed the growing urge to pee to the back burner of his consciousness for a while, but the nagging became more and more incessant and harder to ignore.

"Hey," he whispered to Meg, who was sitting next to him. "I have to pee."

Meg shrugged and turned back to the cards she was holding. Joseph waited for a moment, then concluded that she had no intention of answering him. He started to stand up, deciding that he would go to the bathroom and strip off the diapers to relieve himself. However, Meg reached out and with surprising strength, firmly held Joseph in his seat with a hand on his shoulder. Joseph looked over at her, surprised, but Meg was still looking at her cards, ostensibly unaware of her persuasive action. Joseph saw Steve watching the exchange from the corner of his eye, but Steve made no effort to intervene. Joseph tried to stand up again, but the hand shot out and held him down once more. With a loud sigh, Joseph relaxed and Meg released her grip. It was one thing to pee outside sledding where no one could be the wiser, but in here, in front of everyone, Joseph didn't think he was comfortable with that.

Caleb looked over at Joseph. "I went in mine a long time ago. Don't stress about it."

Joseph looked at him, surprise showing on his face. Did they all want him to sit here and pee in a diaper in front of them? It sure seemed so. The urgency was building, and all this concentration on the issue wasn't making matters any better for his bladder.

"Why else you wearing them if you ain't goin to you use 'em?" Caleb said, laying a set of cards down to his collection of points in their game of rummy.

Caleb had a point, Joseph realized. And the idea of just peeing here, in front of everyone, was strangely exciting. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders and muttered, "Fine." His bladder didn't need to be told twice and he immediately felt the warm urine releasing through his penis and into the cloth diaper. Despite his desire to look up and see if anyone was watching, Joseph kept his eyes glued to the four of diamonds in his hand of seven. He shivered in the excitement of the situation; it seemed as if electricity was pulsing up his back. To his added embarrassment, the distinct sound of his peeing could be heard above the soft hum of the central air heating system, but no one made a comment. Steve played a run and discarded. "Your turn, Emma," he said. Joseph felt the warm liquid spread and trickle around his groin, running up his bottom. The flow abated as the rotation of play reached him. He leaned forward to draw a card, not having anything to play, and felt the squish of the soaked cloth. It felt wonderful on his boyhood. Joseph couldn't help but smile and he felt Meg pat him softly on his back. And that was it. No other mention of the incident was made until they packed up the cards to start on dinner preparations. Joseph pulled Meg aside and whispered, "Should I get a change?"

"Did you go more than once?" She asked back out loud. Joseph heard Caleb giggle.

Joseph shook his head.

"Then not yet. Let me know after the next time you pee," Meg said with a wink.

Joseph looked back at Caleb and caught him with a silly grin on his face. Caleb turned away quickly.

The chance to get changed came after dinner was being cleaned up. Having gone a second time while he was washing dishes, Joseph approached Meg.

"I, um, I'm ready," he stammered, nervous about how the situation would play out.

Meg looked down at Joseph as she dried a plate. "OK. Let me finish here and we'll go get you cleaned up."

Joseph watched as Meg took her time drying the rest of the dishes. He shifted from foot to foot restlessly while he waited. Caleb, Emma, and Steve had left the kitchen after finishing up their tasks and retired to the lounge to look for a movie to watch. The wet diaper, warm right after wetting, was now damp and cool and itchy. Joseph was anxious to get out of it.

Finally, Meg dried the last of the cups and took a deep breath. "Whew," she said, "It's been a long two days." She smiled down at Joseph and for the first time, Joseph thought she looked tired. "Not that I don't like spending time with you," she added with a wink.

Joseph nodded. "Still a long time to be at work," he agreed. He thought his voice sounded small and weak, high and boyish. Not the strong, comforting support he wished he could summon to make Meg feel better.

"OK, let's get you taken care of," Meg said with a sigh and a pat on Joseph's back. Joseph felt his hand being grabbed and, though surprised, he did not resist Meg leading him out of the kitchen, down the hallway, past the lounge where Caleb, Emma, and Steve were kneeling in front of a box of DVDs, and into the receiving room.

Joseph stood awkwardly in the middle of the room as the door closed and Meg went over to the cupboards. She pulled out a fresh towel, a bottle of what was clearly powder, wipes, and two new diapers and a pair of plastic pants. Joseph thought it was rather brash of her to assume that he wanted to be changed into a fresh diaper, but he found himself keeping his mouth shut. Whatever resentment he had vanished in a moment as Meg laid out the towel and asked him to lie down. As he lay back on the towel, the same excitement that he had experienced earlier washed over him. Joseph could feel his heart beat as he lay on the towel, which did little to soften the thinly carpeted floor. He stared up at the ceiling, covered in aged tiles that showed remnants of once being white. Leaks in the roof and pipes above had created a collection of rust colored circles. Many of the tiles were broken and cracked, giving an insight in to the usual state of things at the center. Joseph knew that he had inadvertently chosen a good time to be homeless, an opportunity to experience a rare lull in the usual circus that must have plagued the shelter.

Meg was pulling off his sweatpants. Joseph felt for a moment that he should assist her, some reservations against her completely taking over for him. But he decided to just let her take care of him. That is what she seemed to enjoy most about the whole situation. The idea didn't sound half bad to Joseph either. If they could both win, then why not?

After pulling off the plastic pants, Meg unpinned the wet diapers and pulled them off of Joseph. Feeling vulnerable being exposed and wet, Joseph bit back the instinct to cover himself with his hands. Instead, he held them flat and felt the fabric of the towel on his palms. Meg was wiping Joseph off with a cool wipe. As she cleaned his penis, he felt it tingle and knew he was going to get an erection. He hoped Meg would hurry up and finish before he got completely hard, but understood in the back of his mind that that was a lost cause. Meg didn't seem to notice though. Just continued to clean Joseph thoroughly, getting a new wipe as she cleaned his bottom. Joseph had been around enough boys at school and while playing to know that he wasn't especially big downstairs. He was reaching the age where he was starting to feel self-conscious about that sort of thing and Joseph hoped Meg wasn't judging him. He knew that was a ridiculous worry, anyways. Joseph was aware he was well short of puberty; any size of any boy his age, small or not, would be nothing compared to what he was sure Meg had been involved with. So he tried to ignore his embarrassment. She finished wiping him off and put the two fresh diapers under his waiting bottom. They felt so clean and welcoming compared to the clammy and cold used diapers. Joseph broke his eyes away from analyzing the nuances of the aged tile and looked at Meg. She happened to look down at his eyes at that very moment and they held their gaze for a moment. She had brown eyes, deep and polished like a fresh chestnut. Her eye lashes were impossibly long, and they seemed to shudder with energy as she looked at Joseph. Her mouth smiled a reassuring smile and Joseph smiled back. Truly smiled. Grinned, really. Usually when Joseph smiled, even at the best of times, it was tight lipped and forced. But here, teeth showed, a true smile of true contentment and happiness. Meg pulled up the diapers snugly and pinned them securely. Joseph, finding staring at Meg's soft, beautiful features much more interesting than the decrepit ceiling tiles, continued to watch her movements. After she had pulled the plastic pants up, she winked at Joseph and reached out and tickled his tummy. He squirmed, reaching his hands out and trying to pull her hand away. Meg softened her touch and gently rubbed Joseph's stomach for a moment, as if trying to erase the obvious discomfort of the tickle. "Feel better?"

Joseph nodded. "Yeah," he said softly.

She still had her hand on his tummy, as if holding him down. "I talked to the police earlier and they said they were able to get in contact with your grandma. She's expecting you tomorrow."

Joseph looked away for a moment. "OK," he whispered.

*********************

On the couch, Joseph curled up his knees and leaned against Meg's bosom. She had her arm around him and held his small body close. With the diaper and Meg's comforting embrace, the world felt right to Joseph, like it just couldn't touch him here. He was again going into the unknown. When the police came for him tomorrow, this bastion that had provided a short reprieve would be demolished and Joseph would again be forced out into the wild unknown, the untamed expanse that strikes fear into even the strongest man. And Joseph: small and weak, was very afraid. But for the moment, here snuggling with Meg, it all felt alright. And Joseph felt, after seeing that Caleb and Emma survived the daily horror that feasted upon their livelihood with ravenous hunger and left them exhausted, faces drawn and shadowed, and were still able to smile a silly smile and protect each other and still love, Joseph felt that it was all alright.

*********************

Joseph awoke in the night, having gone to bed after the movie in the bunk bed he had slept in the night before. Caleb's steady breathing drifted up from the mattress below. Joseph was thirsty and very much awake. The heavy weariness that had made him instantly go to sleep when he laid his head on the pillow seemed to have evaporated. He climbed down the ladder and left the dark room for the lighted hallway to seek out something to drink. Joseph's sock-clad feet padded softly on the carpeted floor and the diaper he was still wearing, only slightly wet, swished with each step. Rounding the corner toward the kitchen, he saw that the light was still on. He paused in the doorway and saw that Meg and Steve were sitting at a table, mugs in front of each, talking in soft voices. Steve looked over having sensed Joseph's presence in the room.

"Hey buddy," Steve said. Meg looked over at Joseph and smiled. She looked very tired. "Couldn't sleep?"

Joseph shook his head. "I'm thirsty," he said.

"Well, come and have a seat and I'll get you some water," Meg said as she got up to retrieve a glass.

Joseph walked over to the table and took a seat. He looked timidly over at Steve, getting the distinct impression that he was interrupting something. Steve was looking at his mug.

They sat in silence for a while after Meg had returned with the glass of water. Joseph took sips and tried not to feel awkward for intruding on whatever Meg and Steve had been talking about. He was about to get up and take his water to his room when Steve cleared his throat and looked at Joseph. "So," Steve said, "tell us about yourself, Joseph. You're from California, right?"

"Yeah," Joseph answered. "Calexico."

"Bet that is a pretty small town."

Joseph nodded. "Oh yeah."

"If you don't mind me asking," Meg said, "Why are you here? Where are your parents?"

"I don't mind," Joseph said, taking a drink of water and looking at Meg and Steve for a moment. "They're in jail," he said simply. "Arrested for trying to kill each other."

"Jeez, Joseph," Meg said softly, "That is horrible. I'm sorry to hear that."

Joseph shrugged nonchalantly. "I don't care about them."

"That's not true," Steve said.

"Oh, yes it is," Joseph responded, his voice harsher than he intended. "They don't care about me, so I don't care about them."

"Why were they trying to kill each other?"

"Long story."

"We've got a long time," Meg said softly, "Let's hear it."

Joseph took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it. But if he was going to talk about it with anyone, it would be these two. Meg and Steve patiently waited for him. “OK,” Joseph said softly. “Here we go.

"Well, basically, they do a lot of drugs. Mostly meth, but really anything they can get their hands on. It feels like they've been doing it forever, but I know it hasn't been forever, just feels that long. It got really bad the last couple of years. I can't remember much about when I was younger, but I feel like it wasn't always as bad as it was there right before I had to leave. They've always drank a lot, ya know? My dad loves tequila and beer, my mom just drinks wine, and lots of it. And they get drunk, I mean really drunk. And it’s not like they are really mean to me. I ain't been beaten or anything like that. So I know I'm lucky as far as that goes, but they just don't care about me at all. It is as if I don't exist most of the time. They only care about getting messed up.

"It's nice all the time in California. Weather is, ya know? Sun, always sun. Rains like once or twice a year. So I just spent all my time outside, away from home. There is all sorts of things to do by my house, if you want to call it a house. I got friends down there. Most of their parents are as messed up as mine. We all look out for each other. Help each other survive. Have a little fun. I mean, probably the one and only thing I'll miss about home is my friends down there. I ain't very big and I sure ain't strong, so I got pushed around a bit. I wasn't very popular with my friends because I didn't want to do a lot of the stuff they were all doing. Gettin drunk on their own, smokin weed, ya know. It just didn't make sense to me, with my parent's lives all messed up, for me to be doing the stuff that got them there in the first place. But my friends, they like to drink and smoke and tag stuff, paint all sorts of stuff on buildings. A couple of them are in juvi for stealing from my school during the night. Stuff like that. And I'm just not into it, so they didn't like me much. Guess they weren't the greatest of friends, now that I think about it, and maybe I won’t miss them much, but it was all I had, ya know? And a heck of a lot better than being at home.

"We lived in this small two room piece right by an old dried out riverbed. You would not believe the amount of garbage in my house. I sleep out on the porch. They, my parents, put a sleeping bag out there. I don't mind it. It don't smell out there as bad as it does inside. But it wasn't great 'cause I had scorpions and spiders and bugs in there all the time and, ya know, it is hard to get a good night's sleep when you're worrying about a scorpion stingin’ your toes. And those things can kill you. Inside, though, jeez, just empty beer cans and booze bottles, fast food wrappers, ash trays. It all smelled like alcohol, rotten food, and smoked cigarettes. Guess I got used to it, but I'd bet you would puke if you even got within a mile of our house.

"I mostly had to find my own food. Whatever was leftover. Guess my parents must have cared for me when I was smaller, before I could look out for myself. I survived, right? But guess when I got old enough where they decided I could find my own food, they just forgot about me. I went to school most of the time just ‘cause it was something to do. But the teachers down there are terrible. And it isn't just 'cause we were bad kids, I mean these teachers didn't care at all whether we were learning anything or not. They just were there to get paid, ya know? It was just a job. I'm eleven, in fifth grade, but I bet I don't know what a third grader is supposed to know. And I'm not even sure about that. I just don't even know where I'm supposed to be at or what I’m supposed to know.

"Anyways, my parents started doing a lot of meth, and that is when it got really weird. They'd be up for three days strait just drinking beer and booze like it was water, chain smoking cigarettes and talking non-stop, taking hits. I'd try to just stay away, but if I wandered in, they'd always want to hug me and tell me how much they loved and cared about me and how they were going to turn things around. They had plans like you wouldn't believe. Plans and plans and plans how they were going to go back to school, get degrees, start a business, move to L.A.. Just on and on and on. They'd get high and happy and dream, but none of it ever happened. I was excited at first, thinking we'd get out of the mess, but after it kept happening and they kept talking, always talking about what they were going to do, but never did any of it except drink, smoke cigarettes, and do more drugs, I gave up on them. Then they'd come down, run out of drugs, and would sleep and groan and puke for days, then do it all over again. It was gross.

"It got really bad, though, 'bout a month or so ago. They started dealing. Lots of people around there do drugs. All my friends' parents did, my friends were starting too. It is a good business to get into. So my parents figured why not cash in. But all the meth was making them paranoid and crazy and they started thinking that the other was stealing. Both of them were accusing each other. They started really fighting, and even gettin high wouldn't make it better, even for a little bit. My mom moved out a few weeks ago and started crashing at a friend of hers. Well, she tried to poison my dad one day. Tried to kill him off puttin poison in his drink while he was supposed to be gone. Well, he caught her and pulled a gun on her. So there they were, both trying to kill each other and being as crazy as hell. So I called the cops. I knew what they were doing, dealing and all, and I knew that if the cops came, they'd be put away for a while. But like I said, I just didn't care.

"So the cops did come, found all the meth and I told them what happened and they arrested them. They were so messed up, I don't even think they knew who turned them in. They didn't even say goodbye to me. I don't even think they knew I was there. Well, the county made me stay with my uncle ‘cause he was my only other relative in the area. He don't do drugs, so that is nice, but the guy was always drunk. From morning to night. I mean, even my parents stopped for a while each week while they were coming down. But I mean, this guy never stopped 'cept when he was passed out and couldn't. He'd probably keep drinkin’ while he was asleep if he could find a way. Well, he knew he couldn't take care of me, and he didn't want me around. Not that he was mean or anything. He's actually a pretty nice and funny guy. He was strangely moral and didn't want to mess me up anymore by being around him. So he shipped me off up here. Told me I was going to my grandma’s. I'm not even sure if he told the police I was coming up here. Just put me on a plane, put my grandma’s address in my pocket and, well, you know what happened next, I guess. There was a bomb threat at the airport I think. Something was going on, but a cop, Officer Leemon, took me to my grandma’s but she wasn't there and here I am.

"It's crazy. I know I have a crazy life. I'm only eleven, but man, I know most people in this country don't live like I have. But, you know, seeing Caleb and Emma, it is nice that they have each other to look after, they can take care of each other. They can survive, ya know? Gives me hope. It seems that is the way to do it. It is bad for them, too, you can just tell, but they are there for each other. And they survive. And that is why I like it here, I guess..." Joseph paused, "I feel like you all are actually looking after me, like you actually care, and I feel like I can make it with you around..."

Joseph stopped talking. Meg and Steve weren't staring at him in disbelief, weren’t shocked at his story, weren't smothering him in hugs and tears and apologies for how life had committed inexcusable atrocities against his innocent soul. In fact, they didn't even seem fazed.

Meg did put an arm around Joseph and pulled him in close after a moment. "We are here for you, and you are right, Joseph, the only way to survive and enjoy this life is with others." She looked over at Steve and Joseph saw something pass between them.

Joseph wasn't sure how he felt. He had never talked to anyone as much as he just had to Meg and Steve. He'd never told his story. Everyone always says that it helps to talk, to release what is inside. But he felt about the same. Talking didn't magically fix anything. Especially when talking about unfix-able problems. If there was one thing that really annoyed Joseph it was unabashed sympathy. He hated it when people openly felt sorry for him or expressed any sort of gushy feelings. Those feelings were often forced or done just to make someone feel better and were rarely organic and sincere. So Joseph was thankful for Meg and Steve's response. It would have made him feel awkward and uncomfortable about sharing had they over-reacted in their sympathy. Instead, their realistic acceptance of his situation confirmed his belief that his life wasn't all that bad. He knew it was rough, relatively, but Joseph also knew that a lot of other people had it just as bad or worse. No one was talking at the table, but the silence was not oppressive. The subtle hum of the heater grew to a roar in the quiet room and Joseph realized he was sleepy. He yawned.

"Feel like you can go back to sleep?" Meg asked.

Joseph nodded.

"Do you need a change before bed?"

"No, I don't think so, but thanks."

Joseph made his way back to the dorm room after they all exchanged heartfelt goodnights (their relationship had strengthened, fused by Joseph's open chronicle of his life), leaving Steve and Meg alone once again. Caleb was still sleeping soundly and it did not take long for Joseph to join the surreal land of the unconscious.

********************* CHAPTER 3 *********************