Subject: ALright! Date: Fri, 08 Dec 1995 17:41:13 Whew! I'm back! My account seems to be working. I really love this newsgroup. I think about it a good part of the day. Well, do you all want to hear my story? I thought so, here I go.... I'm 18, thin, good looking, smart, open minded, fun-loving, and a closet adult baby, previously, child baby. I didn't even realize this was a veritable thing until I got on this news group, and now I'm very happy, and don't feel ashamed anymore when putting on diapers and messing in them. ok., Lets start out with this information: I know from my mother and from my vague memories that I was toilet trained before the age of two, because I knew I had control over my bodily functions and wanted to show off and be a "big boy". The first thing I remember in the realm of this fetish is one time, only a few months or so after I had been toilet trained, I opened up a closet in my room and saw boxes of diapers. I felt a feeling of shame and then anger as I suspected my mother had kept these in case I had an accident or something. So, I grabbed the diapers and systematically tore them all apart into shreds of paper, cloth and plastic. My mother walked in after I was done 2 or 3 boxes and announced "time for lunch" or something like that, but then saw the mess and got angry. I announced in an angry baby 2 year old "I want underwear!" (even though I was already wearing underwear.) I'm not really sure what the significance of this little event was, but I think it was the first time I got a close look at a diaper. Maybe I got hooked on the way they smelled(clean ones that is), or felt. I'm not sure, but its one of those few early childhood memories. Okay, time warp..... I'm five years old, and in bed. I think I may have started earlier, but I'm not sure....Anyway, I had this sudden urge to make a bm in my pants. I wanted to know what it felt like. So I got up, and did it. It felt good; warm and soft. I think this was in the middle of the night, so I cleaned myself up and did something or other with those pants. Okay, lemme think for the next occurrence... Okay, I think between the ages of 5 and 9, I did this kind of thing sporadically as I was had to find the right time and place and think of an excuse for missing underwear. I think about a few times a year. I also was and still am mysteriously drawn to the diaper isle in stores. I just like to look at the boxes and smell the smell of the baby isle....gives me baby flashbacks maybe. Also, I had little baby cousins, and I remember always wanting to watch when they had their diapers changed. However, I was embarrassed to ask my mother if I could change their diapers. I thought it would be "un-boylike". Wow, I got those gender roles down pat so quickly; shame... For a while, I just enjoyed my fascinations with being a baby, and often wished I was a baby again. No responsibility, no school, people waiting on your hand and foot, and especially, butt. I told my mother once that I wanted to stay a baby, but he just said "as you get older, you'll change your mind, and realize how good it is to be older" I accepted this, but secretly kept wanting to be a baby for years to come. I still do in a way, and I think now is the time to let the desire blossom. One day, In 2 or 3rd grade, I asked my best friend a certain question when he was over my house. "Do you ever wish you could go in your pants?" He said yes, and I said, "I did that yesterday" He asked me how it felt, and I think I said "warm" I used to be ONLY interested in feeling poop squish against my skin, but as I got older I shifted to pee. I think it is partly because it became such a pain to clean myself up after a doodoo, Once when I was about 11 I stole a diaper from my visiting younger cousin. This was great, because I had never had my hands on a real diaper since babyhood.. I used it when the time was right, but of course it didn't fit. I just used tape though, and it was great. I was just like a little baby, all secure and safe in my diaper (at least for a few hours);I threw the used diaper out into the woods... One time when another best friend came over, who I had told I had tried wearing diapers, I showed him the diaper I stole and said "Hey Kevin; to USE on day...hehe" He just looked at me for the crazy guy I was. Later, he sort of betrayed me telling some people at lunch about this and I was very embarrassed and vehemently denied I ever told him anything about it. I think he got the hint. Who could blame him though, in the all boys private school I went to, you were supposed to act like a MAN, not be a wimpy baby. I've always been a laid back, skinny, sort of wimpy little kid. I have been picked on by my most of my peers almost my whole life simply because I shied away from physical and vocal challenges. I just wanted people to be nice to me. When people picked on me, I didn't fight back because I was just to sensitive to inflict pain on anyone else. I still am basically the same. Fortunately, these qualities are VALUED in the adult world. A short time later, I had a great idea. I'd MAKE a diaper. All this time I simply WANTED to wear a diaper, but rarely got the chance.. So, I though about what materials would work and stuff. It was hard finding something that would be both reusable and absorbent, but luckily I remembered where I threw that dirty baby diaper about a year earlier. I went out in the woods and found it, and as I suspected, all that remained was the plastic. I used this plastic barrier as rubber pants. At first I simply wore that over my underwear, with multiple layers of toilet paper as the first layer to soak up the wetness and protect my underwear from getting messed. However, my the doo doo would ALWAYS leek over and get on my underwear, causing me to panic trying to figure out what to do with them. I figured out that when I ran them under the faucet, the mess came off pretty well. Then I'd just put them in the washing machine and then dry them. All clean! Overall, this was not an ideal setup, so I rummaged through the basement for old baby clothes and came up with a pair of red girls panties that looked like they were to cover a disposable diaper. I decided these were better for potential poop leaks, cause I could just hide them when they were dirty in our VAST basement. The inside of this contraption wasn't very absorbent, but I usually only did a BM, and called it quits. However, one time I decided to be bold and wet myself in them(while standing over linoleum for good measure. At first the toilet paper soaked it up, but eventually, to my surprise and delight, the pee leaked right through the non-waterproof panties and dripped out onto the linoleum. So I stood there, pretending my diaper was leaking, and pouted like a baby because of it. I used this system with great happiness for a few years. I was using it when, at the age of thirteen, I had my first ejaculation. I then figured out that what I was doing was masturbating(when I pressed it against me) However, I tried to avoid masturbating with the diaper because it detracted from the baby fantasies I would concoct. I'd wear the diaper in bed, and talk baby talk to myself, it was fun. By this time, I was getting very worried about myself, cause I thought I was too old to pretend to be a baby. However, I had this uncontrollable urge. I made other, better diapers, which I still use. (however they don't compare to real ones for comfort) They are bulky and tight. Between the ages of 13 and now, I began to partially accept this weird thing that I did, and just decided I was a sicko. I told no one else, feeling that they would NEVER understand(probably not so) I didn't speak a word of it to anybody until recently, for about 5 years. Pretty deep dark secret. Now however, I'm looking forward to telling certain people who I think might have the same desires I have, from hints I have gotten over the years. Especially this one very good female friend of mine who once said to me "The only reason I work at a camp for retarded adults is for when the pee in their pants" I thought "wow", to myself, but didn't tell her I in love with the subject matter. I have a faint hope that this girl, when I get around to telling her, will turn out to be an AB just like me, and we can share our fantasies. That would be great, but I know whatever the case she wouldn't hold this against me... I started smoking pot when I was 16(hope your not against this), and soon realized it heightened sexual stimulation. I got the idea of using a diaper while high. I got the chance eventually, and did I did it(and masturbated). It was GREAT! It was the most amazing sexual experience I'd ever had (course I've never had sex, so I'm sure there are even better things.) It is now standard practice for me to get high, wear diapers, and then masturbate when they are dirty. It just feels SO good, I can't resist. The WIERD thing is, as soon as I'm done, I lose all interest n wearing diapers! In fact, I instantly want to take them off, and can't understand why I was wearing them in the first place! I feel dirty, wet, and uncomfortable, as opposed to wet, warm and wonderful. Course, in a few hours to a few days, the urge to wear diapers comes back! I used to thing I'd out grow this whole thing, but it has only grown stronger with time. I wish I could resist the urge to masturbate, for the enjoyment would last for ever. but I JUST CANT RESIST! I just realized, If I had someone to share the experience with, I'd be much less inclined to jack off(in front of them) that is very un-baby like. Its just something for when I'm alone and want to have some fun, I guess A few years ago, my grandmother became very ill and died(yeah, I'm over it) The point is, during the time she was at are house, bed ridden, she had to wear diapers. Its kind of sad, because she didn't let herself enjoy it! The point is,, the were DIAPERS in my HOUSE!! FULL SIZE! they actually FIT ME! I was sooo happy, but also felt I was dishonoring my grandma.... minor inconvenience. I stole as many as I could without anyone noticing, and found heaven while they lasted. (not very long) After she died, there were no more :( Recently, I got the nerve up to buy some baby diapers, the largest ones. I made up an excuse that my mother sent me out to get them. I was shaking with fear, but made the purchase. Once in the car, I smiled and rushed home. It was a box of ten , which I felt would last quite a time if I used them sparingly. They were little, of course, but just big enough to fit wear it was important. I've had a lot of fun with these, as they are much simpler than using my huge homemade diaper. Unfortunately, they are just to small to wear comfortably, and I have to constantly adjust them. One of these days, I'm going to get the nerve up to just go buy adult diapers. I'm just a very self conscious guy. Well, anyway, I still usually smoke pot before wearing diapers, because I can get much farther into fantasy land. Not always though. Its still fun just to not have to get up to go to the bathroom. I wish I could just wear them all the time, (at least when I'm alone) Unfortunately, I don't have enough time alone or diapers to do this. As of now, I would never wear them in public, (I do have to be a normal teenager, its a way of life) and am completely phobic about my parents finding out. Especially since I have all these secret hiding places in the house wear I temporarily store dirty diapers! Sometimes I think my parents might already know; I couldn't be THAT good at covering my tracks. So maybe they know, but they don't want to embarrass ME by telling me. I hope they don't know. A suspicion I have: I may have this fetish from diaper deprivation, learning to use a toilet so young deprived me of my fare share of the joy of wearing diapers...God, the things you take for granted.. However, I don't actually remember wearing diapers as a baby, or whether or not I enjoyed the sensation. I have memories from about 1 year old, but they were just day to day things, no diapers. I guess its just like now, I mean do you remember every time you use the toilet? My greatest fantasy: Having a girl change me, and talk baby talk to me, and then we'd reverse roles. A practical reason for this is that I can never let myself do a large bm in my diaper cause its just to much work to clean MYSELF up. if someone were there to help me, it would be faster, more enjoyable, and I'd be more like a baby Another fantasy: Having enough diapers and free time to wear them all the time for a few weeks maybe, and see if I "forget" how to control myself. I'd also LOVE to wet my bed sometime, but I don't have any plastic sheets. Mix fantasy one and two and you've got absolute INSANE HAPPINESS!!! god, its my dream. Sometimes I fantasize about being in a hospital for some temporary injury, and being "forced" to wear diapers, little do they know I'm enjoying it. I'm not sure this would work in real life however, it might be unpleasant. Well, that part one, hehe. More upon request. BY THE WAY, I live in Maryland, is there anyone else here who lives there? I'd love to talk to you, perhaps meet, perhaps be babies together, (sorry, only women apply for the later) I'm a very good baby. I'll obey your every word. Rob