The Hooligan

by austin

Thanks for all the comments on Part 6. I appreciate the participation in the story. Well, things picked up in the 70’s last chapter, and now they get going in the present. I hope you enjoy this chapter. It was a unique writing experience and I hope it turned out well. As always, I’d love to know what you think: be that positive, negative, or neutral. Email: Austin(dot)db(at)gmail(dot)com. Hope you all have a great week!

Part 7

It was bad, very bad. The hug became a sort of happy cancer, if such an analogy is possible. It grew inside of me, insatiable in its hunger for recognition. And I tried my best to cure it, to kill it, to push it out of my consciousness. But it proved to be a formidable opponent to my self-control. And eventually, as I was meditating on the cancer analogy, smoking on my front porch, I accepted my fate. Somehow I had allowed myself to do the unthinkable. Perhaps a true sin. I had fallen in love with a recent widow.

This was bad, very bad. I smoked two cigarettes as I tried to push Mia, the hug, her eyes, her hair, out of my mind. But it just wouldn’t work. I had become terminally ill with love. Well, perhaps love is a strong word.

Really, I don’t know what love is. Thirty-two years old and I can say honestly I’ve never loved another person in my life, not counting my family. Sad. But I did it to myself. Hiding away in Alaska half of the time. So, I don’t know if I was in love with Mia. Maybe I just liked her, a lot. Maybe I was just attracted to her admittedly breathtaking good looks. Or, maybe I was in love. I don’t know.

Whatever it was, I was feeling terribly guilty about it. Every ounce of my rational being was screaming. A scandal! Atrocious! Absolutely heartless and sinful! But there was another part of me that just shrugged its hypothetical shoulders. What can I do? It’s not my fault.

And the worst part about it. I got the feeling she had some sort of feeling for me as well. Maybe I was just imagining things, but she hadn’t exactly tried to end the hug either. And she seemed kind of flushed and colorful after. And she had smiled.

Yes, this was bad, very bad.

The next day (I had finally managed to fall asleep at some point early in the morning), as I was mucking about doing nothing useful, a knock echoed throughout the house. Peering through the peek-hole (I don’t know why I always do that), I saw Mia standing on my front porch carrying two mugs of steaming coffee. I quickly opened the door and ushered her in.

“Good morning,” she said with a smile.

I smiled as a reply and took a seat at the kitchen table, motioning for her to follow suit. “Boys off to school alright?”

“Sure, only minor problems. The usual. Can’t say I missed it much in Seattle.”

“Sure you did,” I said, laughing.

“I brought you some of Mrs. Taylor’s coffee. I know you love it.”

I took the steaming mug, thanking Mia. I’d already had more than enough coffee, but I didn’t want to refuse and hurt her feelings. I took a sip. “Good, as always.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, just sipping the coffee. I felt like it should be awkward, the silence. But it wasn’t. She looked up and smiled at me, I smiled back. I felt like a twelve year old. Of course, that was about as much experience as I had being serious with women, so it was about right. Playing at the bars doesn’t count as good experience.

“How was Nate?” I asked, breaking the silence.

“Oh, good. Happy to be home, I think.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet they all were.”

“Well, they enjoyed their time, I think.”

“We didn’t do much.” I paused. “Did you get him to, ah, you know, wear one of those to bed?”

“The diapers, you mean?” Mia specified.

I nodded my confirmation.

She shook her head. “Nope. I actually didn’t even bring it up. He was dry this morning, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

“Good, good for him,” I said genuinely.

“Yeah. You know, I don’t know why he wets. I mean, the obvious answer is his dad’s death, I know that. Stress, I guess.”

I shrugged. “Sure. It’s a tough time. Especially for a boy. I can’t really imagine. Speaking of which, how are you doing?” I asked softly.

Mia smiled. “I’m good, David, thank you. Considering how I was the first time I saw you after Simon died. That morning, by the park.”

“You remember that?” I asked, surprised.

“Sure. I’m…sorry I ignored you.”

“Aw, come on Mia, you don’t have to apologize for that.”

We fell into silence again. I waited for her to talk. We sipped our coffee quietly.

“You know, I almost feel bad about it,” Mia said finally.

“About what?”

“What we’re doing.”

For a moment, I felt my stomach sinking, thinking she was talking about her and me. “Drinking coffee?” I asked, trying to be light hearted, but really interested in finding out what she was meaning.

She laughed. “No, David, don’t be silly. Not this.”

I laughed too, nervously, relieved.

“John and I.”

I felt my stomach sink again. Was she with John? Was that why he was “helping” her so much? Oh god, I was such a fool. Of course. And I thought she was interested in me. I shook my head, embarrassed by my feelings. I was selfish thinking she liked me. “Well, you know, it’s not too soon,” I said softly, feeling stupid and sorry for myself at the same time.

“No, I guess not,” Mia replied, staring into her coffee. “I mean, I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s just that I almost feel like…” She trailed off.

“Well, if it’s the right thing to do, it’s the right thing to do,” I said lamely. I felt weak. And awkward, now. I wanted Mia to leave, but I knew that was the wrong thing to do. I should be happy for her, finding a new love so quick.

“Well,” Mia sighed, “sometimes I don’t know. I mean, I put it off already for weeks. John was pressing me right away.”

I raised my eyebrows. That didn’t seem like John. He was so quiet and collected. Well, maybe that was just out in public.

“But it went well in Seattle,” Mia continued.

“Good, I’m glad,” I said, forcing a smile. I thought you were over there on business, I thought acidly. And she made me watch her kids. “I mean, he seems like a nice guy.”

“Who, John?” Mia asked, looking at me after diverting her eyes from the coffee.

“Yeah, sure. I mean, I happy for you two. He seems like a nice guy,” I was forcing words. I didn’t really know what to say, and now Mia was staring at me with a weird look on her face.

Mia cocked her head to one side and raised her eye brows. “Wait, you didn’t think…”

I stared at her blankly, truly confused.

Suddenly she burst out laughing, a deep, hearty laugh. One of those laughs that come after an extremely uncomfortable moment. I just continued staring, confused, and starting to feel hurt. “What?!” I asked.

Mia took a deep breath and stopped laughing. “You thought I was with John?”

I nodded numbly, “Sure, I mean, you just said…”

“Oh David,” Mia said laughing lightly now. “John is gay.”

It was my turn to cock my head sideways and raise my eyebrows. “But you just told me you were with him.”

“Is that what you thought I was talking about?”

“Well,” I shrugged, “what were you talking about?”

“The lawsuit, David, the lawsuit.”

I sat there feeling embarrassed and dumb. Now it made sense. I thought back over everything she’d said, and the pieces fell into place. “Wow,” I said finally, “I’m sorry. I’m really embarrassed.” I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “I’m sorry,” I repeated.

Mia was laughing softly staring down at her coffee. “Don’t worry about it. I mean, I’ve got nothing against John, he’s a great guy. Been so helpful after Simon died, but I don’t think he’s into me that way.”

I finally laughed. Relieved now, and strangely comforted about my moment of weakness. At least Mia knew I wasn’t brilliant, or perfect, now. If she could still like me after that, we were well on our way to a good relationship.

“You were jealous, weren’t you?” Mia asked, smiling.

I shook my head in disbelief, “Who, me? Of course not,” I said, then added, “well, maybe a little bit.” There it was, a verbal confirmation of my feelings, albeit not very straightforward. I watched her carefully for her reaction. She looked down, and I saw a bit of a blush on her face.

“That’s what I thought,” Mia said quietly.

“Is that ok?” I asked softly.

“Yeah,” Mia replied. “I mean, I would’ve been jealous if you’d told me you were with John.”

We both burst out laughing.

Well, now it was official. Out in the open. Neither of us minded the idea of getting closer. But then, the hardest part, what to do next. I decided to be honest. After we had quieted down and stopped laughing, I looked at her contemplatively.

“I want to do whatever is best for your family. Since I’ve gotten involved, I’ve…fallen in love with your family, Mia. I love your boys…I think I might love you. But I don’t want to hurt anyone either. You know what I mean.”

Mia nodded. “I do, David. I know it’s too soon, probably. But I don’t feel that way. I mean, I feel Simon would want me to find another father for the boys, and he’d want me to be happy. I can’t handle the kids on my own, David. I’m going to lose it if I don’t get some help over there. And with the lawsuit on top of everything. I need you. Not to speak of money. I mean, I hate to bring this up, but Simon didn’t have a pension yet, we didn’t save much. The truth is, David, I don’t have a lot of money. I want the boys to continue to have a comfortable childhood.”

I nodded. I didn’t mind my future with the family being boiled down to these practical terms. At our age, it was a necessity.

“Like I’ve said from the beginning,” I said slowly, “I’m here to do anything, and I do mean anything, to help.”

“Thank you, David,” Mia said, looking at me. We locked our gazes. I smiled and put my hand gently on top of hers, which was curled up on the table. She looked down at our hands, then smiled up at me.

“Let’s take it nice and slow, and just see how it goes. And,” I paused, “I think it would be best to keep it from the boys for now.”

Mia nodded her agreement. “I don’t know how they’d react.”

I had a pretty good idea and I didn’t think it would be good. “Want to go for a walk?” I asked.

“So, do you want to tell me all about the lawsuit now?” I asked after we had walked half way around the park.

“It’s about time, kept you in the dark long enough.”

“I’ve been curious, I’ll admit,” I replied.

“Well, to be honest, I’m still trying to fit together all the pieces myself,” Mia began. “I guess I’ll just tell you from the beginning.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” I said.

Mia walked in silence for a while. I didn’t push her. We walked past the park and down the hill into the lower half of the subdivision. I let my hand slip into hers. I was nervous how she’d react at first, but she didn’t resist. So we walked hand in hand in silence. We were approaching the second park in our neighborhood. Like most “natural” areas in my city, its name was a Native American word. A bit of a slap in the face to those who were here first, in my opinion. It was supposed to be an honor, recognizing their original ownership, and I suppose it was better than not remembering them at all. But naming the only undeveloped areas in our city after Native words was like here, this is the worst land we don’t want, you can have this. Tupkuk park was beautiful, though. The neighborhood loved it and only the most heartless of developers would ever turn it into houses. Kids played down there all four seasons: biking the endless trails in everything but the snow, and the sleds came out then. One had to watch for the rocks, though. A couple broken bones every year. I often walked through Tupkuk alone and I thought this might be a good opportunity to share with someone my secret spot.

Sounds kind of childish, I know. A secret spot. But I had one.

“Can I show you something?” I asked, breaking the silence that had been following us for blocks.

“Sure,” Mia said quietly. She had started crying at some point, and silent tears were sliding effortlessly down her face. She was making no attempt to hide them.

We entered into the woods. It was a beautiful day and the late autumn sun beat down out of the sparsely clouded sky bringing out the complex fragrances of the Northwest woods. The trails are marked by unique rolling hills, steep and often. Makes for exciting walking. No falling asleep on these trails. I led Mia deep into the park, walking on a solid layer of pine needles, which fell heavily every fall. Eventually, we came to the edge of the park, where the small hills end, culminating in a steep drop into the subdivision below. A splendid view spread out before us. The entire expanse of the state park which followed the river just outside of the city was visible. It was quite a sight.

“Wow,” Mia breathed. “I never knew this was here.”

“Not many people do,” I said. I led her to a wide rock that served perfectly as a bench and we sat down. I didn’t have to wait long for her to start talking.

“The night before Simon…killed himself, we had a fight.” Mia was crying now in earnest, but she was talking with purpose, like she had to get it out. “I said things I wish I never would have said…now. It was stupid, too. Over nothing. He’s refusal to discipline the boys. Nate had been acting up, you know, teenager stuff, and I wanted Simon to talk to him, but he didn’t. You know, the small things you fight about. Stupid. But I said he was a bad father and a bad husband. I didn’t mean it, of course. But I said it, and I guess that is what matters.

“Well, it was like it sucked the energy right out of him. One moment we were arguing, then the next, he turned an ashen white, mumbled something about a walk, and left. I thought he’d come back later, after we both cooled off. But…that was the last time I saw him alive.”

I gave Mia’s hand a squeeze to let her know I was there, caring, but I stayed silent.

“The next morning, I got woken up by the call from his work. It was 7:04 AM. At first, I was surprised I had slept so late. I usually get up when Simon goes to work. Then I realized that he’d never came home the night before, then I realized that it was his work calling. Eventually, I arrived at a level of panic, wondering what they were calling about. Well, it wasn’t good. You know this part. There’d been an accident. A terrible accident. I suppose I knew before they even told me. Luckily I was already laying down, or I would have fallen, I’m sure. He was hit by a train, at work. One of the supply trains. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, he’d worked there all his working life. He knew the place by heart, he wasn’t careless enough to get hit by a train. But it was true, and they were telling me over the phone that my husband was dead.

“I stumbled downstairs and that is when I found the note. It wasn’t an accident. He’d done it on purpose. He’d stepped in front of the train…and killed himself.” Mia was sobbing. I put my hand around her and pulled her heaving body close to my own, rubbing her back softly. I honestly had no words to say. I wanted so much to say something, but I couldn’t.

After a moment, Mia collected herself enough to continue. “The note was the worst part. And I thought it was my fault that he’d died. I still do, to some extent. He wrote that I was right, that he had tried to be a good father, a good husband, but he had failed. That ‘the Father’ had been right all along, he’d never amount to anything. He wrote he was sorry he was just a steel worker, he was sorry he couldn’t love me like I deserved. He wrote that I…I was so beautiful, so perfect, and that he hoped I’d find someone who would be able to love me like I deserved.”

I was crying now. We both cried together, looking out over the rolling hills which led to the river, then the cliff, hazy with distance, and beyond that, the plains where the airport was. A plane was landing now, settling down, disappearing behind the cliff.

“And that was it. Love, Simon, it said at the bottom. Oh yeah, then he added a ps, tell the boys I’m sorry. They’ll turn out better without me around, he wrote. They might’ve turned out sick like me, he wrote. He ended it with, ‘protect them, Mia.’”

“It was in an envelope with my name on it, sitting on the counter. Well, I’m sure you saw all the cars. Family swarmed in dozens. Apparently, the company called his parents too, so they told the rest of the family, and they all came to my house. It was so terrible, David. I didn’t tell them it was a suicide. I lied, hid the letter, let them all believe it was an accident. But the next day, John came over. He seemed to look at me different, like he knew that I knew something. He pulled me aside and grilled me for an hour and finally I told him the truth. He knew all along. I didn’t know how, but he knew.”

“And that’s when he told me the truth. And now I know who is really to blame for the death of my husband, of my boys’ father. That dirty old, sick bastard. O’Malley. John told me the whole story. A boys’ camp, Lake Skitchataw. He raped my husband, David. He raped him! Of course, I asked and asked why nothing had ever been done about it. And John didn’t know. He said Simon always refused to talk about it. John said he’d tried to tell a few people, but no one ever listened. He said the Church was an evil place, where they hide their own sins in their dark shadowy reaches, that is what John said, shadowy reaches. Too powerful to be touched. You couldn’t get at O’Malley.”

“But you are now,” I said.

“Yes, we are now. We’re going to try. See the real kicker is, Simon wasn’t the only one.”

“John?”

“Yes, John. Dozens of boys, David, dozens. Many are dead, killed themselves just like Simon. But there are some left. And David is on a mission to finally pin O’Malley. So after Simon died, he contacted others. He’s found a few willing to testify, so we filed a lawsuit. Or we will. Tomorrow actually. I’m just worried what it will do to the boys. It’s going to be in the news, David. Tomorrow. And their friends are going to put two and two together. I don’t want them to suffer.”

We sat in silence for a while. Then a question came to mind. “Do you know what Simon meant in the letter when he said O’Malley was right? That he’d never amount to anything?”

Mia shook her head, drying her eyes now. “No. John didn’t know either. Simon had never mentioned it before.”

We stared out from our vantage point on the rock. The afternoon had come and the sun, dulled in its intensity as winter neared, felt good. I wondered if it was proper to still have my arm around Mia, but she wasn’t indicating that she wanted it gone, so I left it there. I started to feel guilt as I thought about what Mia had said. If I did end up with Mia and the boys, Simon had had great expectations for me. To be a better father and husband than he had been. And I knew that was not possible.

As if Mia had been reading my mind, she said softly, “You’ll never replace him, David. And…I don’t expect you to. I’m fine with who you are.”

I felt greatly indebted to Mia at that moment. Her blunt honesty had settled my unease. I wished I could return the favor. “Did that help?” I asked.

“What? Talking about it?”

I nodded.

She shrugged. “I guess. I mean, not really. I’m glad I could tell you, so you’re up to speed on the situation, but only time is really going to help, and…having you around.” She put her arm around me and we gently embraced.

“We’ll get through this, Mia.”

“Yes, we will.”

We walked back slowly. It was a warm walk. Comfortable in the afternoon sun. I felt closer to Mia than I had ever felt to anyone before. I felt almost one with her, hand in hand, up the sidewalk, up the hill, past the school where two of her boys were learning, past the park. It was a type of communication that transcended the senses. We didn’t say anything, but I felt like we had said a million words by the time we reached my driveway.

“Well, I suppose I should go clean up the house, or something,” Mia said. We were standing at the foot of my driveway. I looked at her carefully. This was new territory for me and I honestly didn’t know which way to step. Should I offer to help, or just leave her be? Would I be overstepping my bounds by offering? Being selfish by just letting her go on alone? This was tough business, this love. Completely indecisive, I smiled and stood stupidly still.

“I’ll, ah, give you a call later, I guess?” I said, shoving my hands in my pockets and glancing at the sky.

“Sure,” she said, then started to walk away.

I shrugged my shoulders, chastising my directionless self, and went inside. I was over-thinking the situation. I knew it.

That evening, after I ate a quiet dinner by myself, I decided to go check on the boys and Mia. I knocked softly and was pleasantly surprised to see Mia open the door.

“Hey,” I said with a smile.

“Hey,” she replied, and let me inside.

“Where are the boys?” I asked, noticing the quiet that wasn’t possible with three boys in the house.

“Oh, their grandparents took them out for dinner. They shouldn’t be home for a couple of hours.”

“Lonely?” I asked.

“Sure,” Mia said, “Nothing I can’t live with.”

“Well, you don’t have to be alone any longer,” I said, giving her a hug. We embraced for a long time.

“Let’s go outback,” Mia said, taking my hand and leading me towards the back door. “It’s so nice out tonight.”

We stepped out onto the back porch and sat down at a picnic table that was out on the patio. The sun was just finishing its farewell and a dark purple hue was filling the sky. It was quiet and slightly chilly. I put my arm around Mia and pulled her close, she shivered slightly as a breeze drifted through the yard.

“Have you met Nate’s friends?” I asked.

“I did late in the summer, but haven’t seen who he is with at school.”

“You know how I first met Nate?”

“No, I don’t,” Mia replied.

“He was breaking into my truck when I first got back from Alaska.”

“What?!” Mia said, pulling back slightly, surprised. “Why haven’t you said anything until now?”

“Well, I didn’t want to get him in trouble. I don’t think it was really his idea.”

“What do you mean?”

“He was with his friends. The hooligans, as Mr. Taylor calls them. I caught them digging through my truck looking for things to steal.”

“Jeez, David, I’m sorry. You should’ve told me before.”

I shrugged. “Like I said, he wasn’t really at fault. But, my point is, he shouldn’t be hanging out with those fools. Nate’s going to get himself stuck in a situation, get in trouble, hurt, I don’t know, but I’m worried about him.”

Mia was silent for a while. “I didn’t know that was who he was hanging out with,” she said finally.

“Yeah. I brought it up the other night when they were staying, but he…didn’t really like being told what I thought. Not that I blame him. I wouldn’t want some guy telling me either, especially after my dad had just died.”

“Well, I hope he wasn’t disrespectful. There’s no excuse for that. He should listen to you.”

“No, he was fine. But I think maybe he should get involved in some sports.”

“He’s so small, though, I don’t want him to get hurt.”

“There’s plenty of activities for a small boy to take part in at school He doesn’t have to play football,” I said.

“Well, ok,” Mia said, “I talk to him about it.”

I hugged Mia again. She turned her face towards me and we stared at each other’s eyes. I leaned in and suddenly found myself kissing Mia. We kissed for a long while, gently, reserved, but loving. After a minute, I pulled back and Mia smiled up at me. Unexpectedly, I shivered. I had that feeling that someone was watching us. I turned around and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. Standing silhouetted in the back window was a figure. I saw immediately that it was Nate.

“Ah, jeez, Mia. Nate’s home,” I said softly.

Mia turned around and gasped. “Uh oh,” she whispered.

Nate was staring at me, his face frozen, eyes glazed. It was a look of pure hatred. I shivered violently. He presented a frightening sight. Slowly, he turned around, as if in a trance, and started walking away from the window.

I jumped up, but Mia pulled me back down. “Let me go,” she said. “I’ll talk to him.”

I nodded. She quickly opened the back door and I heard her call Nate’s name. After a moment, she yelled back at me, “David, he’s leaving.”

I quickly ran inside. Mia was standing at the front door, staring down the dark road. I slid her and looked down the street. A shadowy figure of a boy was running away, bathed in the orange glow of the street lights. The boy reached the corner of the block, near the park, and turned the corner, disappearing into the trees.