ENIGMATIC CONSCIOUSNESS

By Euphoric Rush

... we came in?

So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow
Tell me is something eluding you sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you'd like to find out what's behind these cold eyes?
You'll just have to claw your way through the disguise

 

-Roger Waters

 

Yes, In the Flesh? Dear reader, welcome to the experience that is Euphoric Rush. That is us, and we are currently Slang and Jimmy Twist. This is our first story and we present it to you with full hopes that it will entertain. This story is a something a spin-off, if you will, of Slang's Farsight. Comments and criticisms are generally accepted at [email protected], but the members may be reached individually at [email protected] and [email protected] for Slang and Jimmy Twist respectively. Slang is the one that writes things, while Jimmy Twist generally comes up with things to be written, so if you would like to share your thoughts specifically on one of those matters, you now know how. Anyway, the story begins...

 

Deja vu was undoubtedly one of the strangest and most incredible phenomena in the universe. It had been ages since Luke had felt such a pull towards something. He stared down at the diaper now clasped in his hand with so many different emotions it was nauseating. This one thing represented an enthrallment he had since overcome. There was a time when this thing had been his whole world. It had been a part of him; removed only through sheer will and something a lot like anguish. But now, gazing at the remnant of a time past, his deepest passion was again aroused like a lion by the morning sun. His heart accelerated and his palms began to sweat as euphoria crept through him; and then it was gone. Like nothing had ever happened Luke simply tossed the youth diaper into a nearby bag labeled as 'trash'.

 

Over the next several minutes he cleared the rest of the junk out the bottom of the closet that would no longer be in his in a few days. Luke and his family were moving from the crowded city of Hammer Bay to a small, isolated town in the mountains. Naturally, Luke was unhappy, but he knew that there were circumstances far out of his control causing this and that there would be no stopping the inevitable departure from his current residence. Returning to his closet, he soon cleared out the last of it and, after one last check over the now barren room, tied up the garbage bag and left.

 

As he struggled though the hallway with the overfull bag, he heard shouts coming from his brother Lane's room. This was commonplace, as Lane suffered from autism, which was a large part of the reason they were moving. Luke's younger brother by four years (Luke was fourteen), he had been put into overly crowded classrooms year after year and he had never really got the attention he required. Luke and Lane's parents had finally had enough and decided to leave for a new beginning out in 'the wild'. Luke's dad had already secured a job as town development planner. Lane's cries continued as Luke saw his mother attempting to pack his brother's clothing into a suitcase. Luke decided to lend a hand.

 

"I DON'T WANNA GO!" Lane screamed from atop his bed.

 

Luke's mother was doing her best to sooth him but her frustration was apparent.

 

"Come on buddy," Luke said as he walked in "It'll be fun in a new town."

 

The words had little effect and Lane continued to jump around and cause havoc.

 

"Lane, please!" His mom pleaded, but it was futile.

 

"Mom," Luke started, "Why don't you go downstairs and check how every thing's going with the movers and I'll get him." He nodded in the direction of his brother.

 

A half-smile and something that was similar to a sigh of relief was the thank you he got. His mother could normally keep more control over Lane, but her current state of stress and his new found level of energy made this difficult. Luke took a seat on the bed and stared up at his brother, making sure there was eye contact before he started.

 

"Lane, you wanna sit down?" Luke asked his sibling.

 

"NO!" Lane shouted as he kicked over the suitcase, whose contents spilled across the already disastrous floor.

 

"Lane," Luke said sternly, "Sit down please."

 

The younger paused, gazing back into his brother's eyes and considering before taking a seat next to him. Luke was glad it had been so easy. He was pretty close to his brother and he could often get him to calm down if he could grasp his attention, if only for a moment.

 

He began "Now listen Lane, I know that you don't want to leave. But you gotta look at the bright side. You're gonna meet a bunch of new friends and there's a lot more things to do up in the mountains. We'll actually have a backyard that you can play in, and I think they've even got some horses out there."

 

Lane, who had been playing with his thumbs perked up at this. If there was one thing that he liked, it was animals.

 

"Really Luke?" he inquired "Will there be horses? Can I ride one?"

 

"I think so," Luke continued, "But that's only if you act grown up get your stuff packed up. Okay?"

 

"Okay Luke!" Lane said ecstatically. He leaned over and hugged his older brother, who at 5'5" could only barely see over his younger sibling's head.

 

"Here, I'll give you a hand." Luke offered and together they packed up all of Lane's things.

 

About a half-an-hour later the two of them came down the stairs to find there once cozy living room nothing but four walls and a window. Sort of depressing, thought Luke.

 

"Are you boys all ready?" His mom shouted from the kitchen.

 

"Yeah, we're good!" Luke replied.

 

He glanced at the clock, which read quarter-to-twelve. He still had time. Leaving his brother on his own, Luke struggled between stacks of boxes into the next room where his mother was overseeing the moving of a cabinet.

 

"Hey mom," Luke said as he approached, "Is it cool if I head over to the school, just to see some of the guys. I'll be quick." He added as he saw his mother's uncertain look.

 

"Fine," she agreed absentmindedly, "But don't be too long."

 

"I won't." he promised as he dashed from the room.

 

He exited the front door and found his skateboard waiting for him against the house's exterior. He grabbed it and rolled it out of the driveway as he hopped on. He accelerated along the street, taking in what would be some of the last memories of his hometown. He knew the neighborhood well. The houses had become familiar as had their inhabitants. He crossed in front of his old teacher Mr. Gibbon's house. That guy was something else, the only person in the world who could make science interesting. He continued past more houses and laughed as he rolled by Carly Green's house. The first girl he had ever kissed. After they broke up, she dated three different guys in about a month to try to make him jealous, which had gained her the title of class whore. A little harsh, Luke had concluded, but the truth often could be.

 

Luke took a right turn so he could go past the beach one last time. The smell of the ocean swept over him like the tide that it rose from.. He was already missing that scent, and he had never really enjoyed it much. It was just a part of him, and it would soon be gone. He rode in front of all the small restaurants and surf huts that in one way or another had acquired most of the money he had ever had to spend. The wind picked up and he was glad that he had recently cut his long hair or he would be awfully concerned about pulling it out of his face right about then. His now dyed-black-with-white streaks hair lay untidily atop his head. The fact that he had not tended to his hairstyle had unintentionally given him a whole new hairstyle which he thought suited him. He reached the point where he had to turn and did accordingly.

 

As Luke coasted up the sidewalk, he allowed his mind to wander off. Seeing that diaper had been so weird this morning. He recalled back to when he first had wanted to experience his younger life again. Lane was about five, and he was still in diapers. He was slowly managing to get toilet-trained, but it was taking some serious time. This and other matters relating to his autistic brother had caused the boys' parents to spend a lot of extra time with Lane, and Luke had begun to think he was getting the cold shoulder. He was selfishly wishing for a time when it had just had been him around the house. His mom and dad had spent time with him then. Through some strange psychological twists, Luke had found himself desiring diapers. At first, it had been a sort of numb longing in the back of his mind, but as time passed, and his passion increased, he soon had something inside him that was ready to rip through the flesh and take the lost piece of his childhood back.

 

Then it happened. As he was home alone one day, a nine-year-old Luke snuck into his brother's room and into the bottom drawer where that which he wanted most lay. He moved as quietly as possible, even though he was the only one home. Luke grabbed the pull-up out from the dresser and merely stared at it. He felt a curious sensation of accomplishment, fulfillment and that rush of doing something you think is wrong but feels so right. He scurried back to his own room for whatever reason and almost tore off his pants. Luke slipped of his boxers and subtly pulled the diaper open. He stepped his feet in one at a time and as he pulled it up his legs. He felt phenomenal. The reminiscent touch of the pull-up gave him an erection, which confused him a little but Luke just continued and he pulled the protective underwear over his boyhood member. Luke felt amazing. He was overjoyed that he had finally been able to get into one of Lane's diapers. He walked around just to take in the feel of it. It wasn't too small, but it was tight. Luke didn't mind, he actually enjoyed the pressure of it around his groin. The puffy white and blue outlining and Buzz Lightyear designs completed his mental trip back to his young childhood. He lay on his bed and relaxed, the pull-up giving making him more comfortable in some strange way. He was truly happy for the first time in a long time. Luke considered wetting the diaper, but he was much too scared. The adrenaline rush from the whole thing already had him jumping at even the slightest noise, and he thought for sure that his parents would come charging in the door at any given moment. And what if they did, Luke had thought. Would they be angry? Would they punish him? Maybe they would force him to wear the diapers just like Lane. Luke had mixed feelings about that idea. Sure, he wanted to be a baby again, but he definitely didn't want anybody finding out about his secret lust. Luke decided that he wasn't going to tell any one about his love of diapers. He got up off his bed and started playing with his toys absentmindedly, all the while sitting contently in his brother's pull-ups. He stayed in the diaper for an hour or so, then removed it while promising himself that he would do it again soon.

 

That was a long time ago, Luke concluded mentally as he took another turn on his skateboard. For so long diapers had been his reason for going, but now the thoughts of regression to a less complicated time in his life were gone. He still got a quick yet mild buzz when a commercial for goodnites or something like that came on, but aside from that Luke was over it all. He wasn't really sorry either.

 

The skateboard and its rider came to a sudden stop at small path that led off the sidewalk towards a set of stairs that shot up the side of a hill. Luke took what would probably be his last march up the staircase. This was something that he would not be missing. Exactly 67 steps later (they had been counted by Luke daily for the past few years), Luke stood triumphantly at the top, gazing onward at what was now his old school. He continued forward through the small crowds that had elected to spend there first lunch hour outside. That day was indeed the first of school in California, but fortunately for Luke school started a week later in Colorado, the state he was leaving for. Entering the door, Luke tried to navigate through the masses. He attempted to slip past a rather large person, only to be nudged aside and into some poor passerby. Luke turned to apologize to find the face of a guy he was pretty sure was named Dave.

 

"Better watch it, fag." Dave threatened rather loudly.

 

Only a few people noticed, including the posse of about eight that surrounded him. There was a small silence, and Luke knew that if he wanted a fight, he could certainly have one. But he decided to decline a potential confrontation and he merely backed away, saluting Dave with his two favourite fingers. Dave looked ready to come after him, but he was restrained by one of his friends.

 

Luke continued down the hallway, not letting any of what had just occurred linger in his mind. He was used to the name calling. He wasn't actually gay, he had had a few girlfriends over the past few years. But Luke dressed in a way that most people assumed he was homosexual or emo or something. He basically only wore black, today it had been his favorite long black shorts and a dark tightish shirt which showcased one of his favorite bands, Avenged Sevenfold. His lower lip was pierced and his black and white hair lay unkempt and at mid length on his scalp. He wasn't skinny, Luke was actually kind of ripped. In fact, his slightly dreary appearance in no way reflected on his calm and eager personality. Luke had begun to alter his appearance to this current state when he had begun to hangout with his current group of friends, who all fashioned themselves in a similar manner. Most of them just liked the look, but a few acted moody and depressed quite often. Unlike his clique, however, Luke enjoyed being outside and skateboarding, and he was also on the school's basketball team, or at least he had been. Anyway, he thought to himself, it didn't matter what he looked like, and he would tell that to Dave or anybody else who pissed him off. Looking back, Luke decided that he wouldn't have minded a fight.

 

Finally managing his way past yet another group of giggling girls, Luke finally approached the area where he and his friends hung out at lunch. It was a pretty much a circle of benches situated outside of the drama room doors. His closest friend Kurt, who had been entertaining the small circle of people with his guitar, looked up as Luke arrived.

 

"Well well welly well well," said Kurt in his best Alex de Large impersonation, "look who has decided to grace us with his presence one last time."

 

"You're welcome," Luke said through a smile, ignoring the sarcasm.

 

"I still can't believe that you are going to go live in some hick town in Colorado. What the hell am I supposed to do here by myself?"

 

"The same sad thing you do when you're by yourself any other time." The comment came from a guy named Zack, who was sitting off to the side. Laughter followed this.

 

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a comeback." Kurt declared as he glared at Zack, then turning back to Luke, he continued, "So, what time do you leave?"

 

Luke glanced down at his watch and replied "In about an hour."

 

"Holy shit!" Kurt exclaimed, "We should do something, like, I dunno, epic."

 

"I got an idea," Zack said after a moment of silence. "Luke say your goodbye to everyone and then follow me."

 

"Um, okay." Luke agreed and did so.

 

A few of his friends were crying (mostly the girls) and the sight of this almost caused him to do the same. Eventually, Luke was allowed to go after one last hug. He quickly followed after Zack with Kurt in tow. As they walked down the hallway they came across a couple making out beside some lockers.

 

"Jimmy," Zack barked, "Let's go. It's important."

 

Jimmy, as the guy was named, quickly discarded the girl and after a quick apology was on his way with them.

 

"This had better be good," Jimmy said in an annoyed tone while brushing his hair from his eyes.

 

"It's Luke's last day here and we're gonna have a good time." Kurt said as the group halted in front of a locker.

 

Jimmy, who has a little bigger than Luke and a year older, looked sad as he said "I totally forgot!" He proceeded to pick Luke up in a bear hug and spin around, all the time screaming. "DON'T GO! DON'T GO!"

 

"Quiet down man." Zack said firmly. "We don't want to be drawing attention to ourselves right now.

 

"Ohhhh" said Jimmy as a look of understanding dawned over his face as they soon arrived at Zack's locker..

 

He had obviously deduced what they were up to. Luke had a pretty good idea of what their celebration would be and his thoughts were confirmed when Zack pulled a bottle of Sour Puss from his locker.

 

"Not the strongest stuff," he admitted sheepishly, "But it tastes good and it does the trick."

 

"You shouldn't have." Luke exclaimed in a purposely melodramatic voice.

 

"You sir, have a problem." Kurt said as he took the bottle from Zack's hand. "It's like twelve-thirty. And why do you even have this shit in your locker."

 

The conversation continued as they walked out a side entrance and towards the beach, careful not be noticed.

 

"Are you complaining?" Zack questioned flatly.

 

Kurt continued "No, but-"

 

He was cut off by Zack "Then stifle yourself would ya. It's for special occasions... and dealing with math class."

 

Jimmy and Luke began to laugh, but they stopped suddenly when they were cut off by some sixth-grader on a bike who had obviously just botched a jump off of a nearby bench. The kid tumbled off his bike and landed on his wrist which was already enclosed in a cast. He got up, nursing his injury. As he turned to see the people he had just about taken out, a look of absolute fear overtook his face. He was obviously traumatized to be staring at four apparent seniors.

 

"S-sorry," he said almost trembling, "I uh, didn't see you there ."

 

"What the fuck do you mean?" Jimmy began screaming at him "You could have fucking killed us! Don't you have any decency? I guess common courtesy isn't so fucking common after all!"

 

After seeing that the kid was almost in tears, he began laughing and said "I'm just fuckin' with ya, I don't care. It's only because... holy shit look at the size of that seagull!"

 

Jimmy's current train of thought derailed as one massive seagull glided by. Jimmy quickly gave chase while screaming at the bird. The kid must have been somewhere between horrifically terrified and utterly confuddled.

 

"Sorry about him." Kurt said, awaking the kid from his state of shock.

 

"Its, um, alright." He replied, still favoring his broken wrist.

 

"Biking's dangerous." Luke said as he noticed this, "You should take up skateboarding. It's much more better."

 

"Actually," the kid replied, "I do skateboard, but yesterday it got trashed by some gang."

 

"They hurt your wrist and give you that shiner too?" Kurt asked.

 

The younger boy nodded. Luke noticed that the kid was casually eying the drink that Zack was carrying.

 

"Sour Puss" Zack said, apparently also noticing the kid's interest in the beverage that he carried. "Good shit. You want some?"

 

"No thanks," the boy said as though caught off guard. "I'm straight edge."

 

Zack just laughed at this.

 

"I'll tell you what," Luke said to the kid, "If you don't tell anyone what you saw here, then I'll give you my skateboard."

 

Luke passed the skateboard, which he had been carrying, over to the boy, who looked down at it in awe.

 

"Really?" he and Kurt questioned simultaneously.

 

"Yeah sure," Luke replied, "I don't think I'm gonna be riding it around up in the mountains. Maybe a snowboard, but who knows."

 

"Thanks man." the kid said ecstatically.

 

"Whatever," said Luke, "Now get out of here."

 

He picked up his bike and pedaled away with the skateboard being carried awkwardly by the injured arm.

 

"Such a giver," Kurt commented wiping a fake tear from his eye.

 

"What can I say?" Luke retorted, "I live to love."

 

"And I love to live." Zack added, "Now let’s go drown our problems."

 

Zack lifted the drink up above his like a trophy and they continued along down the path. The boys talked about whatever, and Luke was enjoying these last minutes with his closest friends. They were good guys and he would sure miss them. Eventually they ran into Jimmy again, who was sporting a bleeding lip and a handful of feathers.

 

"Successful hunt?" Kurt inquired while trying not to laugh.

 

"Hell no!" Jimmy roared, "I wanted the whole damn thing, but he was a fighter alright. Oh well, at least I've got proof that I tangled with the world's largest seagull."

 

They all laughed.

 

"So," Jimmy continued, "Did you give that kid what for?"

 

"Didn't have to," Zack replied "By the time you were through with him he had almost crapped himself."

 

Luke felt the same momentary tweak he always felt when such a topic was mentioned, put it quickly passed through his mind.

 

Jimmy laughed and continued "Well, what would the world be without the occasional terrorizing of those younger than us?"

 

"A good place." Kurt concluded.

 

"Well, I'd rather it be fun than good." Jimmy stated as the group began their descent down the hillside towards a private section of the beach.

 

They arrived promptly at their desired location to find it completely void of another life, which was perfect. Zack opened the drink and held it high in the air.

 

"To Luke," he toasted "may he not become some long-haired mountain hippy and that he may come back to visit us and end what will undoubtedly be months of whining from Kurt."

 

He tilted his head back and took a long swig before passing the bottle to Luke. Luke nodded in thanks and did the same. He then passed the bottle to Jimmy, who chugged about half of its contents and was only stopped by Kurt forcing the Sour Puss from his hand.

 

"That's pretty good stuff," Jimmy said while wincing.

 

"Thanks for sharing," Kurt returned sarcastically.

 

Kurt to a drink and the bottle circulated once again and soon there was only a small bit left. Luke was given the remaining alcohol, which he sipped slowly. None of them were showing much sign being inebriated, they were all pretty good drunks, which Jimmy claimed was from practice. This indeed wasn't the first time they had drank together, but, Luke solemnly reminded himself, it would be the last time for quite a while. The four friends stood quietly on the beach for a while, a silence that was disturbed by the ringing school bell in the distance.

 

"Should probably get back to class," Kurt said as he glanced at his watch.

 

"Whatever," Jimmy shrugged, "this is more important."

 

"Actually, I gotta get going soon too." Luke admitted.

 

"Well then, I guess this is it." Zack stated.

 

In turn, Luke hugged each of his friends. Kurt was pretty quiet, for a change.

 

"As soon as you leave, I'm gonna go out with Chelsea." Kurt said and he sounded as though he was holding back tears.

 

Chelsea had been Luke girlfriend until about halfway through the summer. They had been quite serious, but she had broken up with him after he had told her that he was moving. Luke thought it had been somewhat selfish, but he could also see the reasoning behind it. As least she wasn't going out with some other guy, he thought. It was common knowledge that Kurt wanted her, but he had decided to wait until Luke had left. Kurt had thought this had made him a gentlemen.

 

"I know," Luke said. "She won't put up with you for long."

 

Kurt let out a short laugh as Luke hugged Zack.

 

"I can't believe that I'm gonna have to put up with him without you." Zack said as he nodded in Kurt's direction.

 

"I've been saying for years that we should get him a muzzle." Luke joked. Zack smiled.

 

"Come here you!" Jimmy cried as he pulled Zack away and threw his arms around Luke.

 

"I'll miss you too." Jake gasped as Jimmy's grip tightened.

 

"You've been a delightful audience." Jimmy said wiping a tear away. He was referring to what he called the Jimmy Show, or rather, his life, which he considered everybody else (especially the government) to be watching.

 

"Whatever," Luke said as he released himself, "Well, I uh... I guess I'll see you guys later."

 

With that, he turned around and left his friends. He could hear them walking back up to the school. As he marched across the wet sand, the wind picked up and a dark sky was beginning to approach. Luke new it would be raining shortly, and he thought about how much he would be missing the rain when he was standing knee-deep in snow. He looked back, but his comrades had disappeared. Luke missed them already. He continued his trek slowly, knowing full well that his parents would be upset by the amount of time he had been gone. Maybe it was all the stress or the emotions or perhaps it had been the alcohol, Luke wasn't sure, but he was now feeling awfully tired. He let out a long yawn and he was now appreciating the distance between his old house and the school. When he had given that kid his skateboard, he hadn't been considering this. Oh well, though Luke, it was a good thing to do. Luke liked to make other people's lives easier. It was just something he did. Crossing from the waterfront to the street, he took a left and took what would most likely be his last walk down his street.

 

Luke arrived at his house to a level of anxiety he had never thought possible. The moving van was situated in their driveway. Glancing in the back, Luke saw that it had been crammed full. His car also looked to be overflowing with his families possessions and Luke knew it would certainly be a feat to get all four people into the remaining space. As he stepped through his front door, his ears were stung by the all to familiar piercing scream of his mother.

 

"Where have you been?!" she cried as she rounded the corner. "We're late."

 

"Late for what?" Luke snapped back "Colorado is gonna be there for a while. I don't think we'll be missing anything."

 

He almost immediately regretted his smart comeback, as his mother proceeded to lay down a verbal onslaught on him that seemed to take forever. He managed to catch something about how irresponsible he was and how he never considered anything before his own needs. Luke was hoping with all his heart that she didn't small the alcohol that hung on his breath like a fog.

 

"Luke, give me a hand in hear!" his dad's voice came from the kitchen.

 

"Go." His mother commanded harshly.

 

He rushed into the kitchen to find his father struggling with a huge box of cutlery and other appliances. Luke quickly grabbed the opposite side of the crate hoisted up to a balanced level with his dad.

 

"Thanks" his dad grumbled, "Let's get this to the car."

 

Luke slowly backed up, taking baby steps the whole way. He almost rammed into Lane as his younger brother carried what looked to a box of his most valued possessions out to the vehicle. Luke was forced to stop abruptly, much to the chagrin of his father. Luke grimaced as he heard some curse words flying from behind the delicate load. The pair had to wrestle the box out the doorway, a feat accomplished in no less than five minutes. They discarded the box in the trunk of the car, which could hardly contain the new addition to its cargo.

 

"Let's go get the rest." Luke's dad ordered grimly as they headed back inside.

 

After several more trips with almost equally troublesome crates, the family was ready to leave. Every room had been cleared out. The walls had been stripped down and the cupboards left barren. In taking one last look around, Luke concluded that there home was now just a house, left naked as he and his family departed for better or worse. It was almost heartbreaking to see the place where he had grown up reduced to nothing more than a shell. He meandered towards the door and saw Lane sitting on the stairs.

 

"Come on buddy," Luke said as he put a hand on his brother's shoulder, "It's time to go now."

 

Lane stared up at him and stood. They walked from the house and climbed through the chaotic mess into the back of their car. Their parents followed soon afterwards, only after several checks to make sure everything had been packed. The engine hummed as his dad turned the key.

 

"Alright then," his dad half sighed, "Here we go.".

 

The car slid from the driveway onto the road and towards the highway. The whole family sat in silence. Luke's mom was already attempting to fall asleep and Lane was preoccupied with his Rubik's Cube. He was really weird with that thing, Luke had thought. Lane could complete the puzzle in about three minutes, while Luke couldn't figure that thing out if you gave him a year. It often managed to keep Lane busy for hours, and other times he wouldn't give it a second thought. The car pulled on to the highway and began the long trip to Colorado. Luke leaned his head against the window and stared outside. The road twisted above the city and he gazed over his old hometown as the clouds continued to gather high above. He would miss it all. The people, especially his friends, the ocean, the city itself. He was leaving it all behind. The clouds darkened and in the distance the low growl of thunder could be heard. It looked like rain.

 

Chapter 2

 

Luke rested his head against the cool window as the car maneuvered through the heavy traffic. Coloured blurs of fellow travellers sped past as he and his family made their way out of the city. At the speed they were travelling it was difficult to decipher what the random shapes on the sides of the road actually were, and the barrage of meaningless and unidentifiable pictures became tiresome quickly for Luke. He closed his eyes in hopes of sleep, but his racing mind would permit no rest.

 

Now that his departure from home was a reality, Luke began to focus on what his new life would consist of. He had little idea what this new town was actually like. It was a small city, if that, with about six thousand residents. It was a miniscule amount of people. Luke had seen TV shows depicting life in the mountains. He almost laughed at the thought of a colony of ford-driving hicks who spent half of their time hunting. It was supposed to be a nice place, including what was rumored to be a fantastic ski resort. Luke couldn’t ski. He wondered about what kind of friends he would make, if any. He was doubtful he would find anybody who shared his outward appearance or style, and if he did, such people would most likely be outcasts. Luke surmised that an advantage of city life was that it didn’t matter if you were a freak, because when there were enough freaks, some are bound to share interests. In a small town you had to conform to whatever the majority (which could be quite diminutive) said. Luke attempted to dismiss the worried thoughts from his head. This was his dad’s fault anyway. Deep down, Luke knew that moving was necessary, but that was only because his dad had screwed everything up, and of course, problems with Lane. But Lane couldn’t help being autistic. His dad had become an ass hole, and he wasn’t working very hard to change that.

 

The crowded highways changed into smaller roads as the buildings became trees and fields. The weather however would not lift and the grey clouds carpeted even the most distant points on the horizon. The rain finally came as a near instantaneous downpour commenced a few hours into their drive. It splattered on the window like tiny bullets, and though the glass could halt the rain it could not hold back the gloom that always seemed to come down in such conditions. Luke took his gaze away from the dreary view and glanced at Lane, who now slept peacefully, as did his mother. He wished he could join them. He pleaded with his mind to shut off. Luke was tired of contemplating what fate would meet him in the all to near future.

 

Trying to change his own mental subject, Luke wondered what his friends would be doing that night. It was strange to imagine what life would be like without yourself. They’d probably get along fine. They were only losing one friend, whereas he lost them all. Not permanently, of course, although it felt like it. He wondered who would move into his house. Would they be good people? It didn’t actually matter, but he still pondered the matter. So much had happened to him in that place. Many of his best and worst memories had occurred behind those walls. The house was a relic in his life, and it deserved justice.

 

Luke stumbled further and further down memory lane. He again considered the diaper he had discovered that morning. He again reminisced the first time he had worn one, outside of his infanthood that is. It had been so great, probably one of the key factors in his early life. His eyes began to shut as he recalled the diapered days of his past.

 

The nine-year-old Luke had waited a month which seemed a year since his experience with Lane’s diaper. He had passionately desired to crawl into the pull-up again, but he had never had a decent opportunity. He was seldom left at home alone. It was as though some intangible force conspired against his will to regress. But Luke was determined to once again wear a diaper.

 

On a quiet Tuesday night, he was granted his chance. His mom was out doing whatever and his dad was with Lane outside. It was about seven-o’clock and soon his younger brother would have to come in and get ready for bed. Luke had concocted a plot to attain the protective garment. Making sure that nobody was within ear shot, he crept into Lane’s room and silently made his way to the dresser. He pulled out the drawer without a sound and snatched a diaper up. Glee overcame Luke as he forgot the need for stealth and let out a small giggle. But at the sound of the door opening downstairs his already pounding heart accelerated to what was most likely an unhealthy speed. He could make out the sound of his father speaking to his brother. Getting a hold of himself, he hurried to shut the drawer and left the room. Luke sprinted to his own bedroom and slammed the door rather forcefully to cover his escape. He took the diaper to his bed and hid it inside the pillow case. His mission was complete but he had no time to relax as his dad entered the room not five seconds later.

 

“Everything alright kiddo?” He asked.

 

Luke, who was lying on his bed, nodded.

 

“Are you sure?” his father persisted.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Luke replied nervously, “I think I gonna go to bed now though.”

 

“Alright, buddy. But if something’s up, just tell me.” He continued.

 

“Okay.” Luke said.

 

“Brush you teeth first.” His dad ordered as he went back downstairs.

 

Luke did so absentmindedly. He was amazed that his plan had succeeded and now he finally had a diaper. He decided to wear it to bed that night. When he finished brushing his teeth he entered the hallway and he could hear Lane screaming in his bedroom. Luke shook his head. Sometimes his brother could be so annoying. He retreated to the privacy of his room and began to undress. Leaving his shirt on to sleep, he only removed his pants. Quietly, Luke retrieved the soft white diaper from its hiding place and pulled it open. He held it in front of himself like a trophy before stepping into the holes. The pull-up easily slid on and snuggled around Luke’s waist with a comfortably tight grasp. Shockingly, his member became hard, a strange phenomenon to the young boy, but delightful nonetheless. Luke reveled in the euphoria of the moment and he felt the diaper up as if to prove it was there. After his moment of pleasure he turned off the lights and crawled into his bed.

 

The clock on Luke’s bedside table ticked away relentlessly but the boy could get no sleep. He was so excited to have a part of his infancy back. The regression was beautiful. The back track through time to when it had just been him and his parents, when he had had so much attention and love. This reemission was painfully and ironically interrupted by another of his brother’s cries. Luke grumbled. Why did Lane have to be so different anyway? This was a question he often asked nobody but himself. He friends all had normal brothers and sisters. It was like a painful curse.

 

Rather abruptly Luke felt the urge to pee. Such was the consequence of an immature bladder. He got up to use the toilet, but halted suddenly. His parents could be heard in the neighboring room consoling Lane. Luke, who was clad only in a shirt and diaper, could not risk going into the hall and being caught. He wanted to wait, but the matter was becoming more and more urgent. A voice inside his head told him to just use the diaper. Luke was unsure. What would he do with it after he had used it? He couldn’t put it back in Lane’s drawer, but he could throw it the garbage can in the garage. He reasoned that no one would be able to smell it out there. Time was running out and soon enough the matter of whether or not to use the diaper would not be a choice.

 

Finally he decided to go for it. He attempted to relieve himself, but it didn’t work. His body would not cooperate, apparently too nervous to perform such a feat. Small beads of sweat began to form on Luke’s forehead. Again, he tried to wet the diaper, this time with more effort. Surely enough, a warm stream erupted from his penis and his pull-up was pumped full. The urine drenched the inner diaper and it swelled around his crotch as his pee warmed his entire groin. The feeling was fantastic. It was so comfortable having the squishy diaper squelch against his skin. His member again became hard and struggled to shoot up. The diaper, however, contained this and it pressed against the obscenely comfortable material that was now about to burst. He shook a little with a strange feeling that overcame him. It was like a fiery lust that slowly spread from his soaked diaper up his chest and to his face, leaving a warm feeling that caused his heart to beat furiously. His eyes blurred a little and a hot sweat stung his brow. He stayed in that state for a short time before his body settled and he became calm again.

 

The warm urine began to cool shortly afterward and the heavy diaper sagged on him. The odor was imminent in his room and he became scared as to what to do. His parents would surely be suspicious if they entered. Luke desperately struggled to hide the scent. He tore the pull-up off and hurled it into the depths of his closet. He opened the window and hoped a breeze would erase the perfume of proof. Luke’s groin was soggy from the exposure to his own pee and much to his dismay a small wet spot had been left on his mattress where the diaper had quite obviously leaked. Luke groaned as he grabbed some boxers from his drawer and pulled them over his soaked legs. He climbed back onto his bed and lay uncomfortably on the wet patch, hoping his body heat would dry the urine. Clashing emotions of worry and the remnants of pleasure fogged his immature mind, and despite the uncouth conditions of his bed Luke, soon drifted into a deep sleep. But in no time at all, his mother was calling his name, bidding him to arise.

 

“Luke,” her voice called, “Wake up.”

 

The boy did so as he emerged from his dream, or memory. The car was parked at some gas station-diner hybrid. The rain was steadfast in its descent and the sun had disappeared entirely. Luke yawned as he stretched out in what space the back seat provided. Noting that his brother and father were absent, he looked to his mother for an explanation.

 

“We’re going to eat here.” His mom stated disapprovingly. “It was your father’s choice.”

 

Not his first bad decision, Luke thought to himself. “Where is he anyways?” Luke asked.

 

“With Lane using the washroom.” His mom responded.

 

“Oh, okay.” Luke complied as they departed from the vehicle for the restaurant.

 

His back and legs ached with a fury from the foreign positions they had been confined to for the past several hours. It was a struggle for him to maneuver his body with a numb right leg, especially with the disagreeable weather. When he finally managed to enter the diner, he was soaked. Luke took a seat next to his mother, who was shaking her head They were soon joined by the other two.

 

The diner was a carbon copy of a Hollywood depiction of a truck driver’s stop. Cramped booths outlined the perimeter, each with its own window. A bar was on the wall opposite the door, complete with the lining stools and middle-aged blonde tender most likely named Betsy. Pictures dating back to the fifties were scattered across the remaining wall space as well as other memorabilia, all of which had gone out of style a couple of decades before hand. Luke surmised that it was certainly not a place of class, but rather a mere pit stop and local hub. It was because of this that he was almost disgusted to see a couple in the corner gawking at Lane’s erratic behavior like he was some kind of freak show. Luke's brother was presently putting up a fuss, an irritable result of a day spent in the car. What business did two random rednecks have whispering about his brother’s disabilities? Were they so high and mighty that whatever shortcomings they had bore no comparison to a young boy’s mental downfalls? Luke asked himself these questions as he shook his head. It was pathetic. It always enraged him when somebody, let alone a stranger, called down or mocked Lane. They had absolutely no idea what it was like to live with a problem like autism. Luke was pissed off.

 

They ordered. They ate. They left and as they did so Luke glared at the couple who were offended and they were too simple to comprehend why. Packing back into the car, they continued their drive long into the night. After a painfully greasy burger and a large Pepsi, Luke had little hope of falling back asleep so he contented himself with the music of his iPod. Though he thoroughly enjoyed any screamo or hardcore punk he could find, Luke also had a deep appreciation for the Pink Floyd. They created and composed material that shattered the status quo and existed above and beyond most of the other music being released in the same era. So it was to the mesmerizing tunes of Dark Side of the Moon that Luke made his way into uncharted territory.

 

The hours slipped away as their nocturnal trek proceeded. About an hour later the car pulled into a hotel parking lot and they checked into one of the few remaining rooms to spend the night. Luke loved hotels. The enigma that shrouded the other guests was as mysterious and interesting as the prospect of who the last guest in your room could have been, whether said customer was some rich businessman, a visitor from some foreign land or just a guy setting up a temporary meth lab. The possibility of the previous guest being the latter seemed more likely judging by the state of the grungy hotel. Nonetheless, it was shelter and far more comfortable then the back seat of the car.

 

After only a few hours of sleep they were already awake again, prepared for an early start. The drive to Colorado was a solid sixteen hours, and they had covered about ten of those the day prior. According to plan, they would arrive by that night and have time to at least unpack the basic necessities. The lack of sleep had led to some initial grumpiness, especially between Luke and his father. They had had yet another argument. As usual, it wasn't about much, but it was commonplace for Luke to go against his father or to disagree with him. There had been a palpable tension between them for some time, and an animosity that was easily provoked. He was unnerved by the way his father had made certain decisions, none of which he was interested into even thinking about. Nevertheless, the family managed to leave the hotel in one peace. The car pulled out of the parking lot and continued on its long travel. Luke, who could not sleep despite his tiredness tired to play some sort of game with Lane, but the latter, was not interested. Luke wasn’t upset or frustrated. Sometimes Lane just wanted to be quiet and left alone.

 

The familiar palm trees, which had long ago disappeared, now began to be replaced by thick forests of a much wider variety of trees. Luke was amazed to see what looked to be an endless sea of Christmas trees. California had plenty of forests, but Hammer Bay was near none of them. The road, which had been a straight line for the better part of the trip, was twisting it way up wickedly steep hills and back down through tremendous gullies. Mountains bordered them on either side. They sure weren’t in California anymore.

 

The rest of the drive passed without much consequence and the car pulled into the town of Wilson, Colorado. Luke observed that it was just like the few other mountain towns they had passed through on their drive. The highway appeared to be the main street of the town with primarily locally owned shops branching off of it. The only recognizable businesses to Luke were a Dairy Queen and, of course, a Starbucks. The drive from the ‘Welcome to Wilson’ sign to their house was about ten minutes. That was almost scary. Their new home was in a small subdivision about three minutes from the highway. It was located on the footsteps of a mountain and it overlooked the town. It was strange. The houses, which were all exceptionally nice, looked like expensive ski homes while another part of town which they had moments earlier passed contained simple and more humble cottage-like abodes. Luke expected that those where the artifacts of the original inhabitants and that his and the houses like it where the structures symbolizing change the tourism that the area attracted. The newer properties weren’t ugly by any means, but they scarred the village-physique that one would expect from a small place like Wilson.

 

Luke’s particular house was a green giant, painted and built like one of the many trees that encompassed it. A wonderfully finished hardwood siding covered the first floor but as the building grew, the log exterior became a deep green that extended to the steeply pitched roof. There was a massive yard with thick grass, like a planted moat to the tower of a home. A breath-taking view was inevitable from the massive windows on both the front and back sides of the house. Luke stared in awe at his new home. It looked to be way more then the family could afford, but perhaps this was a benefit of his dad’s new job. The moving van had yet to arrive.

 

“We should go inside and check it out.” Luke suggested to Lane.

 

His brother answered with an affirmative nod and they opened the front door to begin their adventure. The entrance spilled into a quaint foyer which was bordered by the dining and living rooms on the left and right, respectively. The main floor, which consisted of the basic living area, was unbelievably huge. The living room itself was gigantic, stretching from the front of the house to the back deck. Its windows gave a panoramic view, and from the back the town was visible. Luke stopped to look at the quiet village, now beginning to give off a faint glow in the darkness that was falling.

 

“Pretty cool, eh?” Luke asked Lane, who had disappeared from his side. Luke looked around, but there was no sign of his brother. “Lane?” he called.

 

He heard something up the narrow staircase that paralleled the living room and he decided to investigate. He ascended the steps and soon stood on the loft which overlooked the room below. The noise of someone moving around was originating from one of the four doors that branched off the only hallway on that particular floor. Luke walked into the room and saw Lane sitting on an open window sill which shared the same view as the room Luke had just left.

 

“What do ya think?” he asked his younger brother.

 

“I like it, Luke.” Lane responded with a big smile spread across his features.

 

“Pretty quick to make up your mind.” Luke commented, but Lane said nothing as he continued to stare out over the town.

 

“I’m gonna go check out the other rooms, alright buddy?” Luke stated but again there was no answer. He let Lane be.

 

Two of the remaining doors led to a bathroom and a bedroom while the third exposed another staircase. Luke cautiously climbed the steps, which led to what appeared to be a large bedroom combined with a walk-in attic. It too had a window, but the small circle of glass that it was permitted only a glance to the street in front of the house. The wall one side was an extreme angle and Luke guessed that this was actually the roof. The dusty ceiling was high above his head and only the window and a small wall lamp gave off light, adding to the mysticism of the chamber. Luke knew that this room was his.

 

* * *

 

The moving van, which had arrived shortly after Luke and Lane had completed their inspection of the house, was unloaded exceptionally quickly and though they had to work late into the night, the majority of the heavy furniture had been laid out in a desirable manner and the house looked more like a home. Luke and his dad with assistance from a few of the movers had been able to get Lane and his parent’s beds into their rooms, but time constraints and the difficulty of the task had left them unable to maneuver Luke’s bed into his room, so he opted to sleep on the floor.

 

They had been up until at least midnight struggling to unpack all that they could. The kitchen cupboards were filled first because of Luke’s mom’s persistence. She had claimed that it was the most important room in the house. Luke didn’t bother to disagree as her word was always the law. After several hours of labour, Luke had taken the boxes containing his possessions up to his room and set up his sleeping bag. As he lay down exhaustion overcame him and he was almost asleep when his father entered.

 

“Wow it’s big up here!” His dad exclaimed.

 

“Sure is.” Luke agreed as he sat up groggily.

 

“So are ya glad we moved yet?” His father asked in a jesting voice.

 

Luke turned away angrily, his face going red hot. He already knew what was coming. It sometimes felt like his dad wanted an argument, as though a verbal fight would alleviate the pressures of life and expel his own problems.

 

“You know the answer to that.” He returned hotly.

 

“Hey, just try to be happy, would ya!” His dad said fiercely, “I did what was right. I did this for all of us!”

 

“Don’t give me that.” Luke snapped back. “You sure as hell didn’t do it for me.”

 

“Well it’s not always going to be about you.” His dad said.

 

“How could it be?” Luke asked, “It always what you want first, isn’t it?”

 

His dad threw his arms in the air. “When are you going to stop blaming me for everything?”

 

“When you try to make it better!” Luke shouted back.

 

“What do you think I’m trying to do?” His dad questioned bitterly.

 

“Run away.” Luke answered flatly.

 

“Give me a break.” His father said as he began to leave.

 

Luke didn’t respond and he heard the door slam as his dad left. He was disgusted; that fight had been way too Hollywood. Luke hated arguing with his dad as much as he hated the man himself. He fell asleep an angry kid.