I rolled over and tried to focus on my alarm clock until I could finally make out the time to be 10:37. Wow, I really slept in, especially for a Sunday. I wondered why Mom didn’t get me up for church? I rolled off the bed with the intention of finding an answer along with some breakfast. I hitched my shorts up which in turn pulled my diaper back up since it was sagging under its own weight. I was cold and clammy and I know should have taken it off, but at the moment I wanted something to drink more than anything.
The kitchen, like the rest of the house, was quiet and still. I opened the fridge and grabbed the milk, I was tempted to just drink from the carton, but even if I was the last boy on earth I would still get caught, that’s just the way it works. It had been a few years since Mom had given me a spanking, and she hardly ever yells at me, but when I screw up she finds a million little ways to punish me. So I poured the milk into a glass and put the carton back in the fridge. When I closed the door I happened to see a note had been left for me, held up with a magnet shaped like an ice cream cone.
“Todd, decided to let you sleep in, I’ll pick you up at noon for Picnic of Praises. Love Mom.”
Oh joy. Once a month our church had a potluck picnic after services. When the weather permitted the picnic was held outdoors and when it was cold or rainy it was in the church’s banquet hall. I think the format is universal, someone brings fried chicken, someone brings a Jell-O mold, and someone else brings green beans. Why, I bet you could go to all 50 states and find the same thing going on in just about any small town you pick. The picnics had all the appeal of a family reunion, with people praising other people’s mediocre food and trying their best to be nice while probably wishing they were somewhere else.
I grabbed one of Mom’s cereal bars and ate it while walking back to my room. Eating out of the kitchen was another infraction, but I think with Mom gone I was probably pretty safe. I threw my gym shorts in the hamper and ripped the tapes of my diaper. I threw the cereal bar wrapper into the diaper before balling it up and lobbing it in my trashcan. HA HA! Take that nasty incriminating evidence.
Naked, I half ran to my bathroom with intention of taking a shower. I noticed my plastic pants on the edge of the bathtub and draped over the curtain rod and it brought back a memory of seeing something real similar when I was still very young. It took me a moment to stack the pants on the vanity, but having done so I started the water for my shower. Our house is old enough that it takes forever for the water to get hot, so I dashed to my room and put my plastic pants back in my top drawer. Once I returned to the bathroom a small amount of steam had begun to collect on the bottom of the mirror indicating the water had gotten hot enough so I jumped in the tub and pulled the curtain closed.
While washing I wondered if there was something wrong with me or if soap commercials just overstated the effects of their products. On TV in soap commercials people can merely sniff the bar of soap and become energized, invigorated and ready to climb mountains. Of course in those same commercials a mere swipe of the soap produces a swath of euphoric suds that stay put even as the invigorated, yet still unwashed, bather dances about in their shower. My soap didn’t do that.
I got out of the tub and toweled off, brushed my teeth and gargled, and despite its short length I even ran a comb through my hair. I slapped some deodorant under each arm and thus satisfied that I had performed the necessary hygiene tasks left the bathroom. Even knowing I was alone in the house, I still felt kind of odd walking down the hall naked. I found myself walking faster than normal just to get less out in the open and into the safe confines of ‘my space’.
I thought real long and hard about what to wear to church. I got my diaper bag out and unzipped it and peered inside. MY diaper bag, how cool is that? I opened my top drawer and put a pair of snap on pants in my bag. I had all but exhausted the diapers yesterday so I filled it back up with my new prevails. I thought for a second about keeping a diaper out to put on now. I didn’t want to give up my diapers today and I knew I wouldn’t be wearing them to school tomorrow, but at the same time if someone noticed at church that would be just as bad as someone at school. In the end uncertainty won out and I found myself pulling on regular underwear. My slacks felt empty with just boxers underneath and I was keenly aware of the lack of padding. I got one of my church shirts out and buttoned it up and tucked it into my pants. I examined myself in the mirror and seeing nothing eminently wrong, I decided I looked presentable enough.
It was only 11:30 and I had a half hour till Mom got here to pick me up so I decided to check my email. Nothing interesting, mainly just a bunch of spam for things like pills to “enlarge your penis” or “enlarge your breasts.” I sighed at the junk mail, there was probably at least one mail for a pill that claimed it would do both. The only good thing about spam is getting to say “DELETED” like StrongBad does from homestarunner.com.
After purging the spam I went to Google and did a search for Diapers and I must say the results exceeded my wildest expectations. There were hundreds upon hundreds of stores selling such a wide variety of diapers and accessories. I had only begun to scratch the surface when I heard Mom pull into the driveway. I shutdown the computer and just before leaving my room I grabbed my diaper bag thinking I could at least take it with me. Who knows, I might want it later?
I could have walked to church, and Mom and I often do when the weather is nice, but the days had been too hot for that for sometime now. I opened the passenger door and slid into my seat and smiled at Mom, who was wearing one of her favorite church dresses. Mom had us to the church by 10 after according to the clock on the dashboard, her parking space so recently vacated was still available and so we parked right where she had earlier. As we got out of the car and walked to the picnic mom asked “You leaving your bag in the car?”
“Yes ma’am, I don’t need it, I just brought it along just in case” I replied
“Okay. Well tie your shoes before you trip.” Mom told me pointing to my dress shoes.
How I hated dress shoes, those stiff laces that seem to come undone for no particular reason beyond trying to make you fall.
We made our way to the area perpendicular to the church building where a large buffet table was set up under a pavilion tent. Even from across the lawn as we walked toward the long tables I could spot at least one big platter of chicken and a Jell-O mold. I could also see several bowls but not their contents, but that wouldn’t have kept me from wagering one had green beans in it.
The line had already formed and people were beginning to get their food. At least I had missed the prayer. Please don’t misunderstand, I didn’t mind the praying itself, but doing the whole bow your head while someone else mumbles something for everyone has always seemed creepy to me. We took our place at the end of the line and waited to get to the food. Just about the time we made it to the plates and plastic silverware Mrs. Rosetick appeared with a full plate in her hand.
“Susan, Well lookit you, isn’t that a pretty dress! It’s just been ages since I’ve seen either of you” She said to Mom, her voice all bleaty like that of a sheep.
“Nice to see you too Anelda” Mom countered.
“Well Phillip and I are down on the end over yonder. Why don’t ya’ll join us when you git your plates fixed?” Anelda pointed a rotund ham sized arm indicating where they were sitting.
Mom was cornered, she and Anelda had been friends of a sort (or maybe it was more like acquaintances) for years, ever since Kevin and I had been little. However, friends or not, Anelda was a gossip of staggering proportions and Mom wasn’t much of one for gossip. At least I was now sure we weren’t going to stay for long after we ate or Mom’s patience might run out. The good thing about visiting with the Rosetick’s was the visits were always short.
We filled our plates, and I counted not just one but two bowls of green beans on the buffet, I would have won my wager and then some. We walked under the shade provided by the pavilion tent and took our place across from Phillip and Anelda. Since I was hungry, despite having just had a cereal bar, I dug in with more enthusiasm than the food itself might merit.
“So Susan, how is it having your sister live so close? She’s turned into such a dear, which you know how much of a surprise THAT is! Why I Imagine it must be absolutely wonderful. And lookit you, just exemplifying what the bible says about forgiving!” Anelda opened.
“Oh yes, it is very nice, especially for Todd to know his cousins. How are your two boys?” Mom said in a voice I recognized all to well. I am almost certain she was dropping a hint of some kind in there for Anelda, but I had no clue what it was.
“Oh just fine. Kevin is off with some of his basketball friends and Mathew is over at your sister’s place this weekend AGAIN. I tried to tell Mathew that would be imposing, but your sister insisted that it isn’t. I don’t see how she keeps up with so many, why my two were always enough for me.”
“Well it’s great that Rick’s made friends so soon after moving here” Mom said.
I could tell something about this whole subject was making Mom uncomfortable but I again I was with out a clue as to why. Normally I wouldn’t be too interested in a conversation like this, but given Mom’s overall discomfort at the subject I became more curious by the minute.
“Is your brother in law doing okay with the farm? It is awful late in the season to do much, but I hear he’s trying real hard.” Anelda said blushing a little bit when Phillip snorted at the question.
I think most of the folks around town saw Uncle Steve as a wannabe from the city trying to play farmer. Phillip Rosetick was obviously no exception, and knowing Mr. Rosetick he was probably the leader of that particular club. Phillip Rosetick was not only the Sheriff of Simonsville but also the self appointed expert on anything and everything, he was therefore a truly busy man. I don’t think Phillip had ever once pulled weeds in a flowerbed, much less worked a field, but his disparaging look said he was absolutely certain that Uncle Steve was doomed from the moment he signed the deed.
“Well as far as I know everything is going good for him. I wonder who made this pie? It is superb isn’t it?.” Mom said trying to change the subject.
“I think it was Jeana-Ann, but then again Jeana-Ann could always cook. Have you heard about her husband? You know he up and left her for some other woman he had been seeing on the side. I always knew he was no good and poor Jeana-Ann with 2 children and baby. I’m sure you know how awful she must feel.”
“Poor Jeana-Ann, that’s just terrible.” Mom replied, her tone softening and a note of genuine compassion was detectable in her speech.
“Too bad she didn’t marry one like you sister. I mean it’s a good man who’ll take two kids that ain’t his to raise.”
I momentarily stopped pushing food around on my plate. Two kids not his? I knew Rick was adopted, but what was this about Rob?
“Yes he’s a good man and my sister is very lucky to have him” Mom said, her tone moving from dropping hints to a steely lets drop the subject.
Apparently enough that Anelda finally took the hint and segued into something else. “Oh I swear it is too hot. Isn’t it just too hot for the end of May, well I guess it might as well be June now. But even so, it is far to hot isn’t it?”
I got up and threw my plate into the trash leaving the adults to their awkward pause in conversation. By the time I returned Mom was making her good byes.
I followed her cue and said, “Good Bye Mr. and a Mrs. Rosetick, it was nice seeing you.”
“It was nice seeing you Todd, I’ll tell Kevin he missed you again” Mrs. Rosetick told me and again Phillip snorted at least he wasn’t as clueless as his wife.
I tried to gauge Mom’s mood as we drove home. She had a sad look about her and I wasn’t sure why. Did hearing about Uncle Steve make Mom sad and miss dad?
“Mom, can I ask you something?”
“Sure honey, what’s that?”
“What did Mrs. Rosetick mean about Rob not being Uncle Steve’s son?”
“Your Uncle Steve is his father, the only father Rob has ever known. Just like Uncle Steve is Rick’s father. Fatherhood isn’t about who got who pregnant.”
“Well I understand that. I know Uncle Steve loves Rob and Rick and treats them like his own kids, but what happened to Rob’s natural father? That’s what Mrs. Rosetick said wasn’t it? Two kids not his own?”
We pulled into the driveway and just sat there with the engine idling. I don’t know why, but I knew Mom was about to say something important, and I knew that opening the door might break the spell of the moment. I could tell mom was having a hard time gathering her thoughts, and as my curiosity grew so did my fear, if it bothered Mom this much it must be pretty bad, When she finally did speak, two whole minutes had passed according to the clock, and there was a noticeable catch to her voice.
“I’ve told my self for a long time that I would tell you this someday, and I guess I can’t, or perhaps I mean I shouldn’t, put it off any longer. But Todd you must absolutely promise me that this stays between just you and I. No one, and means your cousins most of all, need to hear this from you. They probably don’t know what I am about to tell you and it’s not your place to tell them. Promise?”
My curiosity had gone of the Richter scale at this point. “Yeah Mom, I wont tell, I promise.”
“Your father and I got married too young, we had only just started going out. I was still in high school and pregnant and well there just wasn’t anything else we could do but get married. Just after we said our “I dos”, I lost the baby and I guess I wasn’t the easiest person to live with, I was just so torn up inside emotionally. Your daddy took to drinking and running around, he was seeing other women. I should have left him, but I was young and scared and didn’t know what I would do for money.” Mom looked to see if I was getting all of this.
“Okay, but what does this have to do with Aunt Sarah?” I asked.
“I’m getting to it, now hush and just listen. We had our problems but we had good times too. Every so often your father would announce he was turning over a new leaf, that he was done with the bars and cheating and like the foolish young girl that I was, each time I believed him, or at least I tried too. One day, after several years of ups and downs, I ended up pregnant again, and I was so excited I just couldn’t wait to tell your father the news. I was certain another baby would put things right between us for good. Things had been pretty good between us for a few months and I was so full of happiness at having another shot a being a mom. I was afraid to tell him, that saying something out loud might jinx the situation, but I finally worked up the courage.”
“The night I was to tell your father the news, I made us a nice dinner to celebrate, I had made his favorites. I wanted so badly for everything to be perfect. Well six o’clock came and went, and still he wasn’t home, unusual but not unheard of for him to work late. But it kept getting later and later in the evening and I was getting more and more worried. I just knew something had happened to him, since he had promised to quite the drinking and such. I needed so badly to believe he was doing right. Well about midnight I get a call, and when I answered it I was almost positive it was someone calling to say Sean had been in a wreck, or in jail for DUI, or any of other mishaps I had been imagining.”
“Was he calling from jail?” I asked
“No it wasn’t your father, and he wasn’t in jail. It was my younger sister, Sarah. Back then she was a wild one, a real party girl, she was off to college and on her own. Well Sarah’s drunker than a skunk and she proceeds to light into me on how I don’t deserve Sean and don’t treat him like I should and that if I wasn’t careful some other woman was just gonna up and steal him away from me.”
That didn’t sound like the Aunt Sarah I knew! Was Mom really saying what I thought she was saying? “You mean Dad and Aunt Sarah were… you know… it?”
With a sad bittersweet chuckle “Yes Todd, your father and Aunt Sarah had been having relations. Sean came back to me a few days later and if I hadn’t been pregnant it would have been over between us. But what could I do? No education, pregnant, and scared to death. Sean was excited about the pregnancy and I truly think he settled down after he heard the news. I didn’t speak to my sister for neatly two years after that, and when I did it was only because of the accident. She was the last person I expected to see at Seams funeral, and I certainly didn’t expect her to show up with an infant your age either. She tried to talk to me several times, but I avoided and ignored her. It was mean of me, but I was still so mad and hurt, mad at her for sleeping with my husband, and mad at your father for dying and leaving me alone. Sarah left after the funeral taking her son with her. She made some big public talk about going away and never coming back and I yelled out in front of everyone at the funeral home, and I am ashamed of what I said, but I said that she should make sure and take her little bastard with her.”
Mom’s candor was shocking, I just couldn’t see her saying that even if she was hurt.
“Sarah left that day, never to be heard from again, well until you were twelve years old when one day, just out of the blue she called. I wanted to still be mad, but after ten years my anger had all but died away. You were such a blessing in my life, and I was making things work for us, we were getting by and I had just started school. I just didn’t have room in my heart to hate her anymore. And I think I also knew that Sarah had changed too.”
“So is Rob is my brother then?” I asked confused, making sure I got what she was saying/
“Well half brother. But remember Todd, Rob doesn’t know any of this and he should hear it from his Mom when she’s ready to tell him, not before.”
“Yes ma’am”
Mom finally noticed the car was still running and she switched off the engine and we went back inside the house, which had gone from still this morning to ominously quiet in the afternoon. I took my bag to my room and decided to diaper myself, the shock of the news made me crave the security of a diaper.
I had a lot to think about and so I spent most of the afternoon just trying to absorb everything mom had dropped on me. I knew dad had been rowdy, but I just can’t imagine anyone acting like that, and I can’t imagine Mom and Aunt Sarah acting the way they did either.
I didn’t come out of my room until dinnertime and we made sandwiches and ate them in the kitchen over paper towels. As soon as I was done eating I went back to my room and got back on the Internet and did some diaper research. I printed some stuff off to ask Rob and Aunt Sarah about tomorrow afternoon. The printouts I put in my backpack along with gym clothes for the week. I was excited since this was the final week of the year and we only went through Thursday and it was a half day,
Mom came in before bed with some laundry she had done. She set my underwear and socks on my bed and then handed me a cluster of freshly hung clothes to put in my closet. I had no idea how she managed to carry all that at once, it must have been some kind of mom skill.
“Don’t stay up too late or you’ll be hard to get up in the morning” Mom told me before kissing me on the forehead.
I reached up and hugged her tightly. “Thank you for telling me about Rob, and about Dad.”
“You deserved to know, and I’m certain Sarah will tell Rob, but it is probably going to be very hard for her to do so.”
“I can imagine it will be”
“You know it doesn’t change anything? From all I have seen Steve is a good father to both those boys, and Sarah turned out to be a wonderful mom herself. I just hope Rob understands that when she does tell him. Please keep that in mind tomorrow afternoon.”
“I will Mom. I promise I won’t say anything.”
“I know you won’t sweetie. Sleep tight”
“Thanks again Mom, I love you”
“Love you, too” and she hugged me. When she pulled away I felt a little moisture on my cheek and realized she had been crying.
I turned off my computer and got undressed. My diaper was only a little wet, but I knew it wouldn’t last the night so I changed it anyways. I pulled on some PJ shorts and crawled into bed. I thought of all the revelations of the day and it struck me that in some ways I was living the punch of an Alabama joke (the kind they tell in Georgia about Alabama – of course we tell the same jokes about Mississippi). I could hear the punch line rolling around my head “It’s when your brothers your cousin too! HA HA”
I tried to sleep, but sleep was elusive that night and I lay awake for a long time just listening to the quiet and thinking. One thing I noticed that night, as I tried to sleep, was that since I started wearing diapers to bed I almost involuntarily keep putting my hands in my PJ’s and feeling the outside of my diaper? Whenever I became aware of holding my diaper I would move my hands, but as soon as I as no longer paying attention I would find them back down my pants. It wasn’t like I was playing with my self, there wasn’t anything sexual about this, and it was more like I was getting comfort and reassurance from them. I wonder if anyone else does that? I guess I’m just weird eh?